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June 15, 2011 at 6:08 am #2825620.11-29.1
Hello, my name is Grace. I live in Wales, UK. I am 15 years old, but I left school two years ago due to the fact that mentally speaking, I am an adult, and it was deemed wrong for me to continue high school. I enrolled in a college course in september 2010 to finish my gcse’s, which I started aged 11. I am not considered on the autistic spectrum, I just have a high scaled IQ and advanced mental development. This is crucial to my story. 20th of November 2010, I fell pregnant aged fourteen. I knew, after about a week. I was sure that not only was I pregnant, but that there was a huge decision to make. At that point I was Pro-Choice, but I knew that abortion really wasn’t for me. I know myself well, and it just wasn’t an option. Adoption wasn’t really a possibility. I told my boyfriend of 3 years of my belief that I may be pregnant. His first words were ‘I knew it. You’re not, like, totally against abortion, are you?’ Which I thought was odd, because he violently opposes it. I suffered terrible morning sickness, and when I was around 8 weeks gone, made me do a test, she’d had concerns because of my sickness for a while. The test? Positive, of course. I’ve never been happier. I thought she would support me. She told me if I did not kill my baby, her life would be ruined, she would have to move. That’s all she said to me. Didn’t ask me how I felt, or if I was scared. She herself is a mother of five, lost two babies and she has three girls still here. Both my older sisters fell pregnant at 17, gave birth aged 18. She is 52, she is a mentor at a university, and is a member of a religious group that does not condone termination of pregnancy. I thought that would save my unborn child, but no. To skip over details that are not the point of this message, I found myself in hospital at exactly 10 weeks gone, my baby being pushed out of me while I vomited. Hours gone by after this, the night shift came in and I made them let me go. I sat down, in the car, with a box on my lap, with my name and a barcode on it. My baby, in a box, resting on my stomach. I screamed, feeling the numbness lift finally, knowing that I had been forced in to the worst thing yet to happen to me. I have been violently raped twice, but in that car with my mum and my dead love, that felt like a tiny scratch on my heart compared to the fissure that had just torn open. My mum’s words? With a reference to her religion, she just came up with ‘Your baby had no soul yet anyway.’ AND THAT WAS IT.
I still feel as broken as I did that day. I’ve been dying, slowly. I let that happen to my baby! It wasn’t my choice, but I went with it because I was scared, and lost.
I’m still lost. I NEED to be pregnant again. I even might be about a week gone, I certainly haven’t taken any preventative measures. I had an IUD fitted after the termination, but one night, while watching a TV show about pregnancy (which I do often, what’s more torture on top of this?) I pulled it out. Someone had already taken my baby, Nobody was taking my ability to try again. Pretty stupid for the supposedly super-smart chick.
I buried my baby. That 3inch long, bright red creature in the little plastic baggie with tissue.
I grew up even more in that moment.
My boyfriend loved the baby as much as I did, by the way, and he feels as I do. Our lives are on the wrong track since our child was ripped away, and we both wish so deeply that I should fall pregnant again, though we both fully understand that this is a completely irresponsible, silly way to think.
I just need someone else’s view. I’m not taking measures against falling pregnant, but I only sleep with my boyfriend once a month or so. If it happens now, great, if it doesn’t it will sometime in the next two years.
Please don’t tell me to ‘Get help.’ I have sought help.
I need your opinion, as many as you can give me. Please look at this from all sides, please view this through my eyes.. I wake every day and smile, feel for my bump, realise, and cry.June 15, 2011 at 11:52 pm #28262heartbeats
I heart broke for you when I heard your story. All I can say is I am so sorry. You need to realize you were fourteen and didn’t know any better. Although you are rediculously smart you are still fourteen. At that age you listen to your mom and trust her opinion. Unfortunity, you’re mom was not supportive in anyway. No parent should be like that. She should have supported you. Yes, you lost your baby but your baby will always be with you in your heart. Your baby knows that you love it. Just stay strong and know that you can always turn to me if you need help or even your boyfriend. I know you are hurting but it will get better in time and always remember you have a little angel watching over you. Looking out for you.
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