No daddy.. should i feel guilt!?

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  • #18491
    AvatarMommieofchris

    Since i got pregnant my baby’s dad was on and off with me.. he was mentally abusive.. very controling, bipolar, and just simply NUTS… well after almost two years of tolerating it for my son… i decided to tell him to leave when he got physical for the first time… and hes been gone for three months.. but he keeps calling about once a month tryingto make me feel guilty about not letting him see his son… but i mean it would go right back to what it used to be… him treating us like crap… walkingin and out coming around when he felt like it.. NOT BEING A DAD… and now hes gotten a few of my own friends to start getting on me about it.. and its like everyone tells me its wrong that i keep them away from each other.. but im so afraid something bad will come from it.. i just dont know what to do.. and to admit it.. he is making me feel really guilty and makeing me feel like a horriable mom.. but im just trying to make life better for my son… please give me imput im about to break down and cry … and its like the guilt wont leave me alone.

    #18494
    Avatarbreathless

    I think what you are doing right now is the best and safest way of caring for your child. Congrats on standing up to an abusive relationship and taking the neccassary steps to creating a better world for you and your child to live in. My mother and I lived togethor while she was undiagnosed with bi-polar, these are my childhood years and I spend alot of time taking care of her. Bi polar is a hard and manipulative mental disease to be involved in and as of right now I truly belive everything you’ve done has been done in the best possible manner. The fact that he has been mentally abusive to you is in no way a healthy relationship but thankfully your young child may very well not understand the turmoil in the home. The fact that he has been psyichal with you is a horrible thing both for you and your child because that even a young one can understand and it would be taken as a very scary thing. You are his Mother and to him you are invincible, seeing you sad and hurting (or worse, being hurt) is a terrifying reality, after all, if Mommy isn’t able to keep herself self then who will keep him safe?? By protecting your family from a destructive person (who is not acting in the role of Daddy at the moment and therefore doesn’t deserve the title) you are ensuring that your child does not grow up faster then he should. I believe you are doing what is safe and proper for your child and yourself and that the Father should not be too involved until he is damn well ready to be. And this is up to YOU to decide when he is. I wish you the best of luck in all that you are going through and even though he has manipulated your friends into believing he is the victim you know what’s right and I applaud you for staying strong during this time. You are doing just fine, don’t feel guilty for being a good Mother.

    Lots of Love,
    Anna

    #18507
    Avatarlilredheed

    I think you are doing the right thing mental abuse is wrong but physical is dangerous. All you are doing is thinking of your child which is exactly what any decent mother would do!
    Dont feel guilty … i would be doing the same if i was in your position

    _x

    #18519
    AvatarMommieofchris

    thank you guys for your impputt i really needed to hear/read it… even my own friends are saying im going to regret it later.. and im one of those people that if i hear it enough.. i belelive it.. you know? but im trying so hard to stand up and do whats right because its not just something stupid like highschool drama.. its life! my sons life!

    #18533
    Avataralexanders_mama

    It sounds like hes really good at degrading your worth. I read your story before and it sounds like youre an awesome and strong person, and you should know and always remember that. You try your best as a mother, and Im sure youre doing the right thing for your family.
    Stand up for yourself and your family. You should be the one laying down the rules, not him; make sure he knows that. Thats no way to be, for him to come and go; ignoring him completely is probably no way to go…eventually youll need to talk with him to work things out, but dont go with any suggestion that you dont want to.
    As for right now, maybe its good to get some help or to take some time out to think about things. I know thats what i did with my sons dad — he was good at degrading my worth — one little phrase is vividly remembered in my mind, when I told him I deserved respect, he said ‘no you dont. normal people deserve respect. prove yourself to me and ill respect you.’ and i shut up. Well its no good shutting up and keeping silent, because i DO deserve respect and i AM a normal person — and same goes for you, you and the children DESERVE RESPECT.
    It took me a long time introspecting, blogging (this is where this site comes in), thinking about things, and even a few drunken nights out to just see me for a person whos worthy of love respect and everything else thats good in this world.
    Until you can properly stand up to him, im sure youre doing the right thing by keeping him away. because it takes a lot of strength to stand up to something that put that much fear into you. I havent seen my ex for a very long time, and although I know my needs and the things i ask of him are not stupid, I still wonder what would happen if i had to talk to him again and stand up for my son and I.

    #18581
    Avatarangel_mom

    hey there
    i would say there are lotsa people feeling guilty for you already, and you should go with your instincts!
    i am now 33, my son is 16, and he has never met his father. we split when i was pregnant and it took me years to get over the feeling that i was doing wrong by my son…
    the point i’m trying to make here is that you are doing what’s best for you and your son, and i would in no way doubt my decision were i you.
    hand in there- if things get out of hand there are legal steps too if you need to go that route.
    ciao
    angel

    #18650
    AvatarMaylene

    Hunny, ask yourself this….
    Do you want your son to grow up in a violent and abuse atmospher?
    Do you want THAT ‘man’ to be your sons role modle?
    Do you really want to live your life in fear for both your life and you baby?
    No you dont, yes he is your sons father, but if he doesnt even treat your son with love and care, than i personely think your baby is better off without his father in his life. Thats just how i feel, and i told my own brothers ex who is the mother of his child the same thing when they were together. Thats how strongly i feel about that kind of treatment and behaviour.
    Your son is alot better off having only you in his life than you and his dad. Yes you baby will need a father figure, but it doesnt have to be the baby dad, it can be your dad (like in the case of my nephew he sees my dad as his dad, cause his mom doesnt have a dad) or it could be your bother or your uncle. But you know, my hubby grew up with his dad not being around much, his mom basicaly brought him and his sister up on her own, and his the most sweets and loving man i know.
    My dad’s dad left them ( my late grandmom and 4sons) when them dad was 10
    My dad is a good guy. What i’m trying to say is, your baby can still turn out to be a great person by only having a mom, maybe even better than having him mom and bilogical dad in his life.

    #18651
    AvatarMaylene

    PS – and i agree with the other ladies, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You a being the best mom you can be and looking out for the best interest in your baby. There is no shame in that. You are a strong wonderful woman who is willing to stand up for whats right for you and your baby:kiss:

    Luv
    Maylene

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