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March 31, 2007 at 4:21 am #16425LFLYNN82
So . .. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1yr 3mths and now I’m 5mths pregnant . . I come from a very stable home and i have all the support in the world from my friends and my family. I hold a job, own a car and pay my bills, not that, that means I’m a better person than my boyfriend is, but he’s the exact oppostie. His home life isn’t that good and he is an active heroin addict, which wasn’t always the case. When I met him I knew he had a bad past but he promissed me things would change . .they did for a short time and now that he’s relapsed he lies about getting high and where he’s going and what he does with his money.
My problem, if not obvious is this . . .
He’s a great guy when he’s sober but rarely is. I know he loves me but I can’t stand to be around him when he’s high and all we do is fight over drugs!
Is he gonna be a good Dad, is he gonna be alive to be a good dad or am I beating a dead horse!!
Any advice? :SApril 1, 2007 at 3:22 pm #16469kgirlsmith
I’m not exactly sure what to say as I haven’t been in your shoes. However, I’d strongly encourage you to attend an alanon (sp?) meeting. Check to see if they have them in your area. It is a meeting group for people who are married to, dating or the children of addicts. You could learn a lot there – these folks know the cycle of drug use.
Take care, honey. You’ve got a hard road ahead. Trust is so important to any relationship.April 2, 2007 at 8:28 pm #16491ericklirios
You may not be beating on a dead horse — yet.
While it isn’t for us to question your boyfriend’s apparent love for you, what we can ask though is whether he will be a worthy father to your baby. Babies really change everything. If a woman thinks she can take anything a man can dish out, that isn’t necessarily the same thing when it becomes a question of how this man will be as a father.
If he can’t kick the drug habit, he won’t be sober enough to help you out. Even if you’re the silent, suffering type, don’t allow this to happen to your kids. Imagine being unable to stand because of some labor pains and he’s top stoned to help you. That effectively puts you and your baby in danger.
If he really loved you, he’ll do everything in his power to turn his life around. If he can’t show the maturity that is required of a father, it may not be a good idea to have him around.
On the other hand, a child does need his/her father. While it may be a while for him to kick the habit, if he at least starts showing that he can go to rehab and find a job, no matter what it is, then maybe he can be a worthy father.
Love him, yes but love your baby more. It’s not just your ability to suffer and bear being him that’s the question here. You have to think about you and your baby because that baby cannot defend itself and fight for what is right. You have to do that even if it means teaching the father how to be one. Fatherhood is not a matter of shooting sperm in someone’s vaginal canal. It’s mixing formula, cleaning the butt that’s coated with gooey poop, replacing the soiled diaper, getting a job that will pay for school stuff, ladidah, ladidah. You know the drill. 🙂
Take care and God bless you.
ErickApril 6, 2007 at 2:35 am #16626LFLYNN82
I know he loves me, and I know that "they"say it’s a disease blah blah blah, and I wish I could do that tough love but it’s hard, especially when I’m with child. I know that I can do this on my own but I just don’t want to and I don’t want my child to grow up with no father, sure he’ll have father figures . . my dad and my brother are excellent guys who will regardless of my boyfriends status be excellent role models, I guess I just want what he’s not ready to give me 🙁April 7, 2007 at 6:38 am #16651Meg11
I think you should do what is best for you and the baby!!! take a huge step back away from him and let him choose whether or not he wants to live a functional clean and sober life….. let him prove his sobriety for a LONG period of time, make him take an HIV test and demand that you see the paper work with the results, let him find a job and work consistently for qute a while, does he have a drivers licence?? tell him he needs one…go off on you own not asking for anything from him untill these things and more a re acomplished in his life…encourage narcotics annonymous classes to him..if he isnt willing to do these things and if he doesnt contimue in them for at least 6 months them have nothing to do with him…wait it out and see if he is worth it….Pray for him…lets do it now!!! Lord we just want to lift up this guy to you right now.. Ipray that You would give him the strength to kick this drug addiction and that You would reach down into his life and help him to take the steps to become a stable person…convict him when he lies Lord and protect the ears and give discernment to those who are being lied to…I pray Lord that he would feel Your love and desire to love others in a way that is healthy and true and pure…Lord he has a baby coming and I pray that You would cause him to get his act together….give him ways out of the situations he is in…bring someone along his side who has been through the drug thing and has found deliverance…help him to be willing to receive counsel and protect him physically from the dangers of that lifestyle…I also want to lift up this mommy to be and ask for Your strength to stay out of this unhealthy relationship..be with her and the baby and keep them healthy and provide their every need…thank You for hearing our prayers…I believe that You will answer this prayer…it may not be a yes it could be a "not right now" and it may not be answered in the way that "makes sence" but Lord You hear the prayers of Your people and You desire good for us not evil.. so please Lord do a miracle in these lives and may You recieve all the praise and honor..so we lift this up to You in Jesus name…and if anyone else reading this agrees say with me …Amen……let us all know how things go and just know that I am praying for your situation…I hope and pray that if and when he turns around that he will do the respectful and right thing to marry you (only marry him if this change is true and let time tell you….ALOT of time) I hope that when change occurs that you will go to church together and keep a pure realationship untill marriage…and untill he comes around I hope that you would get plugged into a good Non-denominational bible teaching church where you could be surrounded with love and prayer as you wait on the Lord to answer this prayer….Love and Prayers….MegSeptember 20, 2009 at 1:45 am #25758Sbethurum
Im currently in a similar situation. Not saying this will happen to you but…. you need to protect yourself and your baby before anything else. So I was with my boyfriend for 3 years…he also is a heroine addict. He was clean throughout my pregnancy but always was so against going to rehab. He made every excuse in the book not to go, he was clean so why would he. Slowly but surely during the last few months of pregnancy he started lying and sneaking around and everytime I would catch him doing it he would deny and get mad and it was miserable for me. I had my baby July 28th 2009, it was too much for him to handle and he went back to using habitualy, we were fighting on a daily basis but I was so in love with him and he claimed he was so in love with me and quite frankly I needed the support. Well after I nagged him day after day just to quit and get help and help me more, after our daughter was a month old exactly he left without a word. I thought he was dead until I found him 3 weeks later at some flop house a few cities away. He couldnt even talk to me and I am crushed over the situation. But I realize how strong heroine is and I have seen what it does. See you dont have any feelings on heroine and you are completly numb to everything around you. I would say if he wont stop and GET HELP (thats key because he’s not going to just stop on his own even if he says he can) then you need to leave before he destroys everything you have. It’s not a safe environment for you or the baby. In my opinnion you need to leave him if he wont get help. Too there is a chance CPS will take your baby for child endangerment if he’s around, they were threatening me after they found out the daddy was on heroine and even though Im not they said by allowing it to be around my daughter they could still take her. I wish the best for you either way, just make him choose no matter how hard it is and if he does choose heroine dont get down on yourself because he does love you im sure but heroine is just to important and if he chooses that over you , you’ll know he will never change anyway. And as far as a father figure I would rather have no dad than a doped up dad.May 26, 2010 at 11:24 am #27158marymnMay 26, 2010 at 11:50 am #27159
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