The last time I posted here was over 4 years ago (I have been lurking for a few months again now) but thought maybe it was time to say hello.
When I was 17 I fell pregnant, I was with a guy I thought I loved, and that he loved me. I was from a Christian family but had “fallen away”, and was scared. I didn’t want my baby, but because of the beliefs I had been brought up with I couldn’t abort, instead I clung onto the hope that God would *solve* it for me and I’d miscarry (There are a lot of miscarries in the family).
I didn’t think at the time about how that would effect me, or how long it would effect me for. It just solved the problem of having a baby too young with a guy who wanted me to “get shot of it”.
I got my wish, I lost the baby at 16 weeks. At that moment I realised how heartbreaking it was, how actually I had deep down already felt some bond towards her.
I’m now 22, and married to a guy who really loves me and who I really love. I am expecting our first, my second, child. I am 22 weeks tomorrow, and am realising just how deep the scares of Isabel and my thoughts towards her still run.
I *know* I didn’t cause the miscarriage by wishing it upon myself, I *know* it was just chance, but I still feel the guilt that I didn’t want her. I am so scared of losing this bean too.
I will never forget Isabel, she was, is, a part of me forever.
I do not know what youre going through, but be thankful you have this one now as your blessing! you can treasure your “second” baby even more now cause you have the experience of losing one! i totally admire your courage to come and share your story with us! ill be praying for you and this little ones health!!!! 🙂 do you know what you are having? congrats!!!
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