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January 22, 2009 at 9:55 pm #23880Evangeline
My darling, precious angel
It’s been so long and still, the pain is as fresh as if it happened only yesterday. Sometimes it feels like I’m still stuck on August 7th, 2007… I think a part of me will always be stuck on that dreaded day. I’ve been trying so hard to forgive myself for the mistakes I made, the mistakes that took you from me, but I never will. I cling to the memories of our short time together with ever increasing desperation, sometimes deliberately torturing myself with thoughts of you.
I’ve learned to live with your ghost, that dictates my every mood, my every emotion… I see you in the faces of passing children, I hear you in their laughter and their cries. How I wish I could wipe your tears, comfort your fears , hear your innocent laugh and your gentle breathing, feel your tiny fingers curl around my finger. I ache to rock you to sleep, feel your heart beating against my breast as you enter your dream land. I want to chase away the monsters under your bed, tell you stories about princesses in towers, in lands far far away from all this heartache and sadness.
We never talk about you, your father and I. I wish we did. Sometimes when we lie in bed at night, there’s a silence that I want to fill with your memory, but I think it’s too painful for him too sometimes… I don’t even know if he thinks about you these days. He’s a wonderful man, I know that he would’ve been an amazing father to you. Please don’t be angry with him, he was just as overwhelmed and confused as I was. We thought we were doing the right thing at that time. Everything he does is to make life comfortable enough for us to try again. I am waiting impatiently for you, I know that you are waiting to come back to me.
I miss you my beautiful darling, Sophia.
All my love, for eternity
Mommy Eva xoxoJanuary 23, 2009 at 11:24 pm #23883emeraldforestmyheartbro
Eva I am so sorry for you loss. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel. Just know that God and your baby have forgiven you. And little Sophia will be waiting for you to hold and love her in heaven. I wish the best for you and your bf, take care Eva.
-Enya <3January 24, 2009 at 6:54 pm #23891GangY
aww honey i am so sorry!!
know that your baby loves you… bo matter what she loves you,ok?
she knows that now that you know what the right decision is,you wouldnt make it again, and she knows that you love her. she loves you back.,
light a candle on your window when you feel really bad, and look intoo the sky and talk to her, tell her that you miss her, you will see, that night she will come to you, im sure…and you will feel better. maybe just for a day, a hour, but you will.
if you need someone to listen, to vent, anythhing, id love to be there for you!January 24, 2009 at 11:57 pm #23897emeraldforestmyheartbro
GangY that is such a great idea. I know this is not the same but when i was 9 my cat died (he was like my bestfriend) and i used to pray and talk to him haha. it really helped.
best of luck Eva
<3February 2, 2009 at 12:06 pm #23966GangY
well yea its not the same, but it does help right..=)February 8, 2009 at 3:28 pm #24047Evangeline
Hi gangy and enya 🙂
Thanks for the great ideas. I’ve been consecrating and lighting candles for her for a long time and sometomes when I’m sitting under the stars, I feel really close to her.
It helps that I’ve started working because I have less time to sit around and mope. Keeping busy really helps!February 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm #24062sophia roses mummy
hi eva, reading this made me cry because i know exsactly whhat its like and i feel really sorry for your loss and i hope your ok 🙂 luv & hugs gabby xxMarch 16, 2009 at 12:19 am #24468Evangeline
I don’t know which kills me more… the m/c or the abortion. I blame myself for both, but I know I had more control over the latter of the two.
Sometimes I think I deserve to feel the way I do lately… like I’m slowly losing what’s left of myself, what’s left of my sanity and self respect… I deserve all this pain and sadness and heartache and sometimes I don’t understand why Aergean still loves me.
I don’t deserve him.
This hatred and self loathing comes and goes and for a while, I was on topof the world…. now I’m drowning in it again and I don’t want to surface again. Theses last three months and all the negative hpts just pushed me too far. I can’t remember the last time I was sober. I can’t remember the last time I was free from sadness.
I feel so out of touch with reality… or like reality isn’t good enough anymore. I just want to sleep, eternally, so I can be with my angels in heaven. So I have no more sadness, or pain, or anger. I just want to be away from this place where I can’t function straight.
I have this insane, burning desire for a child. I don’t think that there’s anyother way to describe it… It’s like my biological clock has started ticking at 20. Naturally, Aergean thinks that this has consumed me so much that it’s all that will make me happy… that it’s become greater and more important than us. I fear that he’s right… I think that on some level, it’s become a deciding factor for me, a determining factor for our relationship.
I know it’s wrong, I know that it shouldn’t be this way… but it is and I don’t know how to change it. It’s become about more than having a baby with Aergean… it’s about any baby to fill the void. Goddess knows, I’m so scared of doing something stupid, something I can’t undo.
I just want something to take away the pain and confusion… anything that will help and stop the hurting.
I’m sorry this is so long, I think I just needed to get this out of my system. Thanks for taking time out to read it.
EvangelineMarch 19, 2009 at 6:14 am #24519myangelsinheaven
I replied to you the other night, but I’m not sure where that post got to. :dry:
However, I wanted to tell you that God knows how heavy your heart is and what burdens you carry. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He sees how broken with sadness and grief you are and He will heal you. Just try to let Him in and step out of the way and let Him work in your life. Let go of your desire for a child for a little while and turn it all over to God. I will pray for you that you can do that. It’s when we lay down our burdens at his feet, that we make room for Him to to work His miracles. He will provide for you in your every need.
May God heal you and reward you for your love of children.
myangelsinheavenMarch 20, 2009 at 2:55 am #24531sophia roses mummy
awwwh hunni i kno what its like
it will get better i promies!
i am here for you
sorry i have to go il leave a loger msg tomoz 🙂
much love and hugs gabby xxxxxMarch 23, 2009 at 5:28 pm #24567Evangeline
Myangels 🙂 thank you for your reply. And I know all about posts vanishing or being randomly edited lol.
I’ve tried so hard to let go of everything and try to live for today but it’s like the past keeps creeping back in. Aergean keeps telling me that things are better than they were a year ago and I know that he’s right, but this is one thing that’ll never be ok or that I’ll be able to deal with. I know that I’ve tried every possible thing to learn to live again, but it feels like that part of my life has come to a standstill.
Thank you for your prayers.
Peace and light,
EvaMarch 23, 2009 at 8:45 pm #24571Evangeline
hey Gabs thanks for the reply.
Funnily enough Aergean and I had a talk after I made this post… I think he came online and read it without me knowing or something. He was quite upset that I find it easier to talk to strangers than I do with him… and he’s right to some degree… I have stopped sharing with him. So, we just talked and held each other and it really helped 🙂
Thanks for all the support,
Hugs, E xoxox
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