I’m Scared

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  • #28211
    AvatarIzzi

    I found out I was pregnant three weeks ago. I’d missed a period, took a test and well, that’s it. I’m 19 years old, and am studying Chemistry at Bristol University, and haven’t got time for a baby. But, I’ve always wanted children and I know too much about the process of abortion to go through with one. It’s too horrific, and by looking round this site about how haunted people have been after going through one I can’t even imagine it.

    Only I went for a scan yesterday and found out a few things. I’m seven weeks along and with twins. I know for some people this is a miracle, and I’ve seen other people around this site being really happy about having twins or more but I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to manage one baby let alone two! Am I going to have to leave University? How am I even going to afford it on top of all this debt I’ve already got from only one year at Uni? I can’t have an abortion, I don’t see how I could go through a whole pregnancy and then give up these babies for adoption, but this is going to turn my life upside-down and I don’t know what to do about it.

    And this is going to wreck my relationship with my boyfriend, there is no hope in hell he will want this, even if he pretends to at first.

    I don’t know what to do, help?

    #28212
    AvatarAnonymous

    Hey hun:) I am so sorry that you feel frightened and anxious. I’ve been there too. And I really, really admire you in the fact that you realise how enormous the situation is. That probably doesn’t make you feel better, though, sorry:/ I am really glad you know that abortion will not eliminate the situation. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but maybe you can talk with your boyfriend/ close friend, and just tell them how you’re feeling? You aren’t in this alone 😉 Or, if you want, maybe talking to an advisor at uni and telling them your predicament and see if they offer any reprieves for teen mums. I am so sorry, I am not a lot of help. I wish you luck, both you and the babes 🙂
    P.S. Ohh, I’m going to visit my fam in the Bristol area in May! Maybe I’ll see ya around :silly:

    #28213
    AvatarAnonymous

    First of all, congratulations!
    Everything your feeling is perfectly natural. Twins is a very daunting task for anyone. I really commend you on not wanting an abortion, too.

    As much as it may suck to hear it, you may well have to end up leaving university. It depends on how you are able to juggle all the things in your life, and how much you can handle all at one time. As far as financial problems, start by looking around your community for places to go for support and help as far as getting things like food and basic supplies like car seats and cribs. There are resource centres that will give you either a voucher, or the actual item you need.

    For everything else, start by taking a deep breath. Don’t think about everything at once if you’re feeling this overwhelmed. Focus on one thing at a time. For example, first you should talk to your family/friends and try to establish a strong support system. You will need it for the journey ahead of you. You should also talk to your boyfriend as well, and talk with him – as calmly as you can – about what is ahead for both of you. Ask him if he is going to be involved at all, and tell him to be brutally honest, even if it will hurt you. It’s much better than having a facade for however many months and then one day he just disappears. Tell him exactly how you feel and what you eed/want from him and see if he will be able to handle it. Don’t just dump it all on him, because he’ll be overwhelmed and run. Take it slowly and focus on one thing at a time with him as well, and try to get through it together. Now, as far as not knowing how to handle a baby, or two babies, you should try looking into free prenatal and parenting classes, and looking into online resources for younger moms. Books can also be a great source of information and help, and you should see if there is a young mom support group type thing in your area. And of course, ensure you take prenatal vitamins with folic acid, eat right and get lots of rest and light exercise. 🙂

    Now, I’ve got a few questions.
    How long have you and your boyfriend been together?
    Do you and/or him have a steady job?
    Where are you each currently living?
    I’d love to help you as much as possible, but I need a little more information, haha.

    #28214
    AvatarSaydie

    Hey Izzi, it sounds like your thinking about everything at once. Just step back, and try to look at just one thing at a time.

    Twins is a shock, I know that myself, but it’s do able even at your age and I think you’ll find will be even more rewarding at times. Luckily, the government offers grants for young parents of multiples which you can apply for and so does your university, if you chose to stay in full time education.

    You don’t neccasarily have to drop out of University, there are free daycare schemes available in Bristol near the uni I think, it’s just knowing where to look.

    On the subject of your boyfriend, even though you say that this will wreck your relationship, you might be surprised. Some guys can be very supportive, others unfortunately not so much.

    I have two twin boys myself, and gave birth during SixForm. I’ve seen you live in Bristol, well I live in Bath just around the corner. I have a few books on pregnancy and parenting techniques for twins which really helped me when I was carrying the boys.

    Really hope things work out well for you,

    Saydie

    #28216
    AvatarIzzi

    To answer your questions,

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven months, but it wasn’t a particularly serious relationship until now as he’s at medical school and doesn’t have a huge deal of time.

    I don’t have a full time job as I’m a student, but in the holidays and at weekends I have work as a waitress but the pay isn’t fantastic. My boyfriend has his fees paid for by the NHS as he’s in his third year of medical school but he doesn’t have time for any other job.

    I’m living in the University Dorms at the moment but have a flat share arranged next year with a couple of friends, which doesn’t look like it’s going to happen now because who would want to share a flat with two screaming infants? My boyfriend has a flat near the university which he shares with his friend.

    I had no idea about the grants Sadie, that would definitely help seeing as I have no large income, plus I looked at the daycare programs set up around Bristol and there’s one at the Uni, for people or older students in my situation. Which is good. I would love to meet up and talk, seeing as it seems that I’m having these babies then I’d really like to know what to expect in the next few months in terms of pregnancy. I’ll send you a message with my email address in so maybe we can arrange something. I work near Cabbot Circus if that helps, which I think is pretty near to the train station that connects with Bath. What are your twins like by the way, what can I expect from identical/fraternal twins?

    Other than that does anyone have any advice for morning sickness, I’m fine unless I try to eat something, then I just can’t keep anything down. Any food ideas that are odourless, tasteless, because that’s pretty much all I can stomach right now. So far I’ve only been eating plain white rice.

    #28217
    AvatarMissP

    It’s a tough tough choice, it ain’t easy. Wow twins, that will be a lot to handle but when you are determined you will make it, it’s always the difficult stuff in life that’s rewarding, so it will all be worthwhile.

    I’m 16 weeks along and it was hard to decide if I wanted to keep just this 1 baby or not. I am just about to finish 1st year uni (gowshh the debt), I havent’t told my mum, mainly because she is going through money issues and this will not help. Despite all the external factors I had to think about what I actually wanted. I have gone most my life pleasing others and I knew if I had an abortion to make everyone elses life easier I would be soo miserable, so I decided to keep it. I would say think about what you want then consider the external points, wheather it goes for or against what you want and you can make a decision from there.

    Money will always be an issue. Do you have savings or are you working? It is expensive, it will also be good to look at family support and maybe even the benefits you are entitled to.

    As for the boyfriend, that can be a huge determination factor. I have been on and off with mine for 2 years and at 1st he was supportive but now he is having doubts and he is less interactive but to be honest right now its about this baby and I’m giving him time to ‘cool off’ or whatever but don’t let him force you into anything. Talk to him, see where it goes and good luck.

    It’s all different for all of us but I wish you the best. It really ain’t easy.

    #28218
    Avatarcams2know

    well.. congatulations with you twins.. going back.. well i know you can do it.

    #28219
    AvatarAnonymous

    Try keeping some saltine crackers near your bed, and eat two or three before you stand up. That did the trick for me.

    Look into community housing in your area, or a young mother’s house. Some towns and cities have support houses that supply you with a place to stay where you don’t have to pay room and board, and they’ll help with daycare, planning for your future with your new family, and finding affordable housing and ect. when you get on your feet.

    You should talk to your boyfriend about everything and give him some time to think about it, absorb it and decide what he wants to do in terms of being there for his kids or not. Doing it alone is a scary thought, but there are loads of support groups out there. You just have to look. If he doesn’t feel ready for fatherhood, talk to him about at least being partially involved with the kids, and helping you support them. See if that makes him feel less freaked out about it. You never know, he may just need time to warm up to the idea of being a daddy.

    #28222
    AvatarIzzi

    Thank you for the tip about the crackers, absolute life saver. Only I can’t find saltines where I live, but jacobs crackers have done just fine.

    The housing situation I’m going to have to face up to soon, because I won’t be in the Uni Dorm rooms in september, so I will have to get some council arrangment. Will have to look into that young mother’s housing, I’ve heard about them and I’m sure there are some in Bristol.

    And on the subject of my boyfriend, well, he’s taking some time to think about things. I told him straight of I wasn’t getting an abortion, and I think that shocked him a little as I was a little brass about it.. I mean, he didn’t whirl me up in the air, but he wasn’t unhappy either. Just silent, he said “Wow” though, maybe that’s a good thing. We’ll just have to see.

    Thank you for everyones advice!! It really helped seeing Sadie’s twins at the weekend and hearing how she’s coped. I think this site is amazing, great support especially for people who are still deciding what choice to make, and for those that are now living with that choice.

    Izzi

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