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April 27, 2007 at 5:35 pm #17107Caiged
It doesn’t only happen when you’re younger. I’m a 33 year old divorced mother of two wonderful sons. I started dating this guy a year and a half ago. I absolutely love him, we were happy, we had fun together.
Then I found out I was pregnant. He was Ok with that until I wouldn’t have an abortion. Then he was gone, said he never loved me, said that we wouldn’t have been together if he knew this would happen.
I tried to give him space… this is his first experience with pregnancy. I understand he’s scared and going through things that may donfuse him. However, he’s almost 27. He says if I keep the baby I will be ruining his life… he should not be responsible for a child he doesn’t want.
Last weekend he said he wanted me back… let’s try to be sane have see what happens. Of course what happened is that we had sex… last time was Monday.
On Thursday I found out he was trying to date someone else. This was becuase of a nosy friend who shouldn’t have got himself involved, but it hurt nonetheless.
He won’t even answer my calls now. I dont know if he’ll go to the OB with me, if he’ll be in the delivery room, if he’ll even talk to me.
How do I explain this to my kids? They are 7 and 13. What kind of an example should I set for them?
Now I’m alone, 3 months pregnant and lost. I feel abandoned…sad… yet still hope he’sll come around.April 28, 2007 at 1:55 am #17114kez_mummy_2_skye
Sounds like you’ve stood up for yourself which most girls wouldn’t and done the right thing.
If he cant grow up and be a man at 27 then when will he. It sounds like he will still hang around and maybe even realise what he has lost but hun dont let him get the better of you and just use you for the sex.
Take careApril 28, 2007 at 4:05 am #17117Mommieofchris
i beleive your example to your children should be that you always ALWA?YS sttand up for what YOU think is right!.. even when someone turns around and runs.. you stand up, and you say.. this is what i beleive is right, and do it!.. and when they ask well he left because he wasnt ready.. but that dosnt change the fact that they have a new sibling… you guys didnt see eye to eye.. and mom had to to what was right for her, and her children… they might ask questions… but you dont give them details atleast i wouldnt… just simple answers..
but good luck… i honestly mean that.. i know what its like to hope someone will come back but not know if they will… but life goes on.. there are other people.. people that wont run, and people that will want to help… the rest is up to yoU!… i hope everything works out for you and your children… but one thing i learned … if someone dosnt want to be a dad… their most likly not cut out to be a dad…April 28, 2007 at 8:52 am #17121Meg11
Way to go for choosing life over an irresponsible guy who doesnt know what he is missing…..I think this will be harder on your 13 yr old than it will be on your 7 yr old…but to answer your question about setting an example for your sons….I have had 2 kids out of wedlock by two different guys…my daughter who will be 5 in a few days refers to my husband as her daddy and her dad that she doesnt know as her stepdad..she often gets confused because her brother has a different "stepdad" than she does…the other day she told me…"I want to marry Tyan (her stepbrother) when I grow up and become a mommy" I told her first off that she will not be able to marry Tyan because he is her brother nad second that you are supposed to be married before you become a mommy….it is hard to teach your children to do diffferntly than you did…but…when I found out I was pregnant with my son I made the choice to not have sex again until I was married…I didnt have a boyfriend until the guy I knew I wanted to marry asked me out….he would leave the house before the kids would go to bed (most of the time) and he wouldnt be there until the kids were awake…..we did this so that there wouldnt be any confusion down the road…we didnt have sex until our wedding night therefore the kids never saw us in our pajamas around eachother, they didnt see us come out of the bedroom together, or go into the bedroom together until we were married…because of the life I used to live and the choices I have made in the past my daughter is confused about marriage and having babies….but I just tell her "I didnt do things Gods way and I did things that I wasnt supposed to do until marriage but God forgives mommy and she chose to start doing things His way…I just hope and pray that you make better choices than mommy did because your life will be more blessed if you do things Gods way" when my daughter is the right age and is willing to commit to not having sex until marriage we plan on having a celebration and giving her a very nice purity ring as encouragement to remain pure….we are not going to force her into it but Lord willing she will make a vow before God and us that she will keep herself for marriage and if she does we plan on sending her and her future husband on an amazing honeymoon….she can go behind our backs and we might not catch her but the Lord will convict her if needed LOL…..thank God she is only 5 and we dont have to deal with the issue for a while longer but in the mean time I do teach her about modesty and keeping her private parts covered and to not dress in a way that attracts attention from boys…well you have boys so my encouragement would be to teach them how to respect a girl and to be the responsible one by saying no until marriage…be open with them about how you hurt to the extent of showing them what not to be like (the guy who got you pregnant and left) when the baby comes let them help in responsibilities to teach them how to care for a baby and to scare them off from making one before marriage LOL…keep yourself in the authority possition but at the same time admit your faults as a human…we all have them…let them know that you made a poor decision by sleeping with this guy but let them see you step up and be responsible like the first step…you chose life…I think you can reach your boys and teach them to respect and honor a woman like you deserve to be and the best way to do that is to live like a repectable honorable woman….make the next guy put a ring on your finger before you let him in bed that will make a huge difference in your kids lives and your own…I will be praying for you…I was 3 months pregnant when my mom killed herself..I found her body and I was so lost and felt abandoned by her and the dad..I had a restraining order on him…it was the hardest time in my life but that is when I met my Savior Jesus Christ….even though I didnt have someone to love me and help with the daily duties I was never alone because He was in my heart and He provided my every need…God Bless…..MegApril 28, 2007 at 9:08 am #17122goodluckyall
Hey there Caiged. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s not the type to have the paternal feelings you’d hope he might at his age. He seems more into his freedom. Are you showing yet? I ask this because it may not seem quite real to him yet. Maybe he’s hardened himself, but he may come around once you’re showing and he hears about your doctor visits, etc through the grapevine. Do you have a relationship with his parents or other family? If you do continue with the pregnancy and involve them, he might not like it. That’s something he’ll have to take up with his folks. I’m 36 and am hoping to adopt, but I don’t know that I would want to without my husband. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope he comes around. As for your kids, they’re old enough to see what’s happening. Honesty is the best policy, age appropriate of course. Message or email me if you need a sounding board.April 28, 2007 at 11:31 am #17130babygurl2008
i know who you feel my babys daddy left me when i was 3 months preg. also…. i dont have any other kids but tell them the truth tell them that you thought that you was in love and out of it god gave you a great gift. and as for the babys dad… if he was a real man he would have never done that, mine did do it also, and it got to the piont were i stopped everything with him stopped callin and stopped even worring about him, he went crazy and then one night he called me and asked me how was i doin,…. i was 7 months preg. by then and i told him everything and he told me that he was so sorry for what he did and he wanted his baby girl to know that he was out there. im now 9 months along and everything has gone back to the way it was when we dated, we are always together when people ask us if we are datin we say yes but theres not been affical yet. but we will get back together we know that we will. but the thing is thats your baby and if that guy is anything of a real man he’ll come back for that baby. ya’ll might not ever be together but he’ll be there for that baby that ya’ll made together.
babygurl2008April 29, 2007 at 4:04 pm #17140proud mama
im sorry that ur experiencing this at such a vulnerable time in ur life. im 23 with two kids. and with my first i kinda went through the same thing. i got pregrant and he wanted me to get an ambortion i sain no and he left. he was not there through my pregrancy and only went shopping for clothes when i was 5 months along. he was not there for the birth of his first child but i had to remain strong even though i was deeply hurting inside. i cried alot i hated him and was mad. i had support from my mom and sister which kinda helped but u want the other half there. we worked out our problems and have 2 kids together and live together but it wasnt like that for the first year of my sons life. so remain hopefull he will turn around and remember this ia a blessing thats in u. give this unborn the best u can from the sta…rt. u will always have each other. …. god blessApril 30, 2007 at 3:02 pm #17144ericklirios
I’m not about to give up on your bf just yet but I also would not suggest that you wait for him. If comes around, he has to come around completely. He has to be responsible for everything. I’m not really sure of what was going on in his head all the time you guys were romping in bed. He knew that you had two kids already and that having sex with you may just end up in a pregnancy. Maybe he thinks that you got pregnant on purpose so that you can have a father for your two kids. Assuming he’s wrong, then it is incumbent upon you to prove to him that that is so. If he’s right, then it’s really going to be an uphill climb for you.
What I really wanna concentrate on now is your concern about the example you’re giving your two sons. You honestly have to explain things to them. I’m assuming that they have the same father so that actually is easier. You can’t hide the reason for your divorce from them. You have to open that up to them some time. Maybe not now but soon — especially for the 13 year old. I also suggest you start talking to the school counselors. They may be able to help you as to how you can approach your kids and talk to them about this. This isn’t something you sweep under the rug. By now, your 13-year old is already having a hard time dealing with the fact that he’s not with his father and he has so many male-oriented thoughts and needs that a father would be more suited to addressing. You need help here and be sure you try and get it.
Lastly, you have to start loving yourself. I know it’s quite hard especially given your situation but you have to — for your sons sakes and for yours. This bf of yours will not have any good reason to go back to you if he sees that you can’t even see your own value. If you see yourself as crap, why should he see you as crap also? This is the same with anyone else who comes into contact with you.
Love your sons and never assume that they won’t understand what you’re going through. Even if they can’t grasp everything, they will at least listen. You need to make them feel and understand that this isn’t their fault and that you guys are a family together especially now that there’s a baby on the way.
That 13-year old of yours is now the man of the house and you have to make him feel it. He will resent some of the responsibility at first but you have to let them help you. They’re all you’ve got. Show them that this isn’t their fault but as a family, you all have to pitch in.
I know that this is all difficult for you but one thing I think you need to remember now is that you can get through this and that you’ve actually shown that you can handle adversity. Do it again and be careful about mistakes. We’re both of us getting old and our mistakes affect our kids. We can’t afford that.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
ErickMay 1, 2007 at 12:39 am #17147mommy6
wow he sounds like the biggest jerk ever sorry but he does he needs to grow up n step up if he is old enough to have sex hes old enough to deal with reson. after sex. but if he is such a jerk do what you need to do for your family your kids must come first incl. the one inside you.im sure your kids will understand i just cant get over how he just wants to try to date someone else now i would tell this other person what type of person he is n i would be the biggest b in the world cause i would also go tell his family about this sit. do your self a fav dont have sex with him again if he calls you blow him off a little bit make him wonder.i thought i was the only one on here who is over 25. im going to be 30 i have 6 kids n one on way in im stressing, im married but what im trying to say is there is good men out there but you must take care of yours first well good luck n if you ever need someone to talk 2 im on here. mommy6.May 1, 2007 at 1:20 am #17148annalove
I am so sorry that this happened to you. In one of the last lines you said that you hope he still comes back….question for you….do you really want him back? And is it just for the baby? I have no idea what it’s like to be in your shoes (being as I’m a 15 year old, with no children), but personally, I wouldn’t want someone to raise my kid, and pose as a role model for him/her, if the daddy couldn’t stay around. I couldn’t let any man who didn’t want my kid to be around him/her. I would rather raise them alone knowing that I could be everything that my kids needed, (make sense?) I completely, 100% understand why you would want him around- for that i don’t blame you, but I think that you should really think about years down the road when this baby is 7 or 10, and how you would explain to them, that daddy treats everyone like shit because he was "trapped" into this at 27.
and I apologize if this was in any way offensive, it wasn’t supposed to be. (but it is filled with resentment from my father.)
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