This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Tracey Flanagan .
- June 4, 2009 at 2:37 am #25232
I had an abortion yesterday. I was 14 weeks pregnant, and it took me 11 weeks to make the decision.
Im 19 yeard old, my boyfriend wanted the baby, and my family wanted the baby as well. But everyone supported my decision of getting an abortion.
It wasn’t easy for me to do this. Thats why it took 11 weeks for me to decide. I thought to myself, “Im young, I want to finish school, I can’t even afford a baby, and Im not even 100% happy with my boyfriend. I want to be young and immature still, Im not ready to grow up, and Im still living at home”..
All these factors played in my mind. Then I came to the decision that I wanted an abortion. I didn’t even want a baby now.
I got the abortion yesterday, 6-2-09, at 10am. I was awake while getting this done, since I went to a clinic that didn’t put you under. It was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.
There were about 20 girls getting an abortion the same day as I. I thought after I got this abortion, I would feel better, since I didnt even want a baby, that I would come home, and be relieved.
I was wrong.
About 8 hours after. It hit me. I broke down and regretted doing it. 11 weeks and I thought I made the right choice, and only 8 hours after I regretted doing it. I cried and cried to my mom and boyfriend, both supportive and tried to calm me down.
Im so unhappy. It keeps playing in my mind that how could I do this? Im selfish, didn’t think of the baby, only myself. I hate myself for this. And the worst thing is, I didn’t even think I would be like this.
I keep thinking, that maybe the baby could fight for life, that maybe, they do know whats going on. Im so hurt its unreal. Who am I to make a decision to keep a life or not? Its not right.. I should have lived up to my responsibilty, and I didn’t. Now theres nothing I can do but live in regret.
I’m so sorry baby.. please forgive me for, I didn’t know what I was doing, til you were gone. I’ll never forgive myself, I can only hope you do.June 4, 2009 at 4:06 am #25235
I am so sorry honey!! I don’t even know what to say other than I hurt for you…I am here if you ever want to talk or vent…Love MegJune 4, 2009 at 5:27 am #25236
Oh my, I am very sorry. Many people do not tell you what usually happens with woman and abortions. Many girls feel the way you do now. I am so very sorry that you have to go through this pain! We are all here for you no matter what and I am sure all of this girls wouldn’t mind talking to you if you would like to talk or vent. Meg is very good at talking and she has already offered I am here too. I know that you feel bad I can feel it too just from reading what your wrote. Please do not beat yourself up over what you have done as you didn’t know and now you do. Now that you know I am sure you would never put yourself through that again. I know there isn’t much I can say to you at this point to make you feel better but just remember although sad and regretted everything happens for a reason and you will learn by this. Maybe one of your friends will be faced with this decision and now you can help them decide or even a girl in your same situation could be browsing around this site and read your post and change her mind about what she was going to do. We are all here for you and we all have open ears. Again I am so sorry and feel free to talk to me. I believe that everybody has a soul and I believe that even though your baby didn’t come to you now that when he/she does come it will be the same soul as before. They are not mad at you and they understand. They probably see you grieving as we speak and hurt for you and wish they could tell you that it will be okay and that they are waiting for you. My mom got an abortion before I was born but almost right after wards she got pregnant again I believe that was me saying “Oh no you don’t!” and forcing my way down here. Good luck sweetie, I am here for you.June 4, 2009 at 8:20 pm #25237
hello sweetheart, im Bernardette.
i too had an abortion, mine 11 months ago. i was 15 weeks 3 days; so not far off you.
i know exactly how you feel, how hurt you are, how much you cant forgive yourself, how guilty you feel, how all you want to do is break down and cry. it hurts! some people have no regret, some people say it gets easier over time, some people are affected by it for the rest of their lives- i am that person, my life has been ruined by it!
But that doesnt mean your life is going to be ruined!! im not saying that at all. ive let it ruin my life, people say if you talk about it and express exactly how you feel then it gets better. i have only spoken to the girls on here (and a counsellor briefly)
Im glad you have your mum and boyfriend to talk about this, my mum basically turned her back when i told her i was pregnant and forced me to abort. and my boyfriend doesnt open up about it so i dont talk to him about it.
alot of girls here say that God and your baby have forgiven you, now its time to fogive yourself. but to be honest that didnt help me. so im gona say something to you that was said to me, which has helped me a little.
‘your baby loves you and always will. you will meet him/her one day and see how much love you have for one another. your baby will always be your baby no matter what happens. and you will always be his/her mother!! no one can ever take that away from you!!’
darling dont be afraid to cry. dont be afraid to grieve and mourn! you have lost your child, you are allowed to be grieve!! your allowed to be upset.
and remember there are a lot of girls on here and that you can talk to. me being one of them. im always here to talk or just listen, and hopefully help you. dont ever feel like you are alone, coz your really not!! and its sounds like you have a really supportive family which is really helpful.
dont be afraid to come and talk to me if you want to.
take care sweetheart!
Bernardette xJune 7, 2009 at 10:38 am #25262
I’m sorry that you are feeling the pain losing your baby to abortion. I too have felt that pain, and still do but in a different way than I did over 20 yrs. ago. I also felt the pain of what I’d done almost immediately after leaving the clinic and that feeling consumed me for years.
I’ve had a dream recently that I’ve not shared with anyone, but continue to play it over in my mind throughout the day. I feel my dream has come from my involvement here on StandUpGirl helping other girls make sense of their choice to abort, helping them face what has happened and by helping them put it into the correct perspective.
I wasn’t sure who I would tell my dream to, but I feel it is appropriate to share it with you if you don’t mind.
[i]I’m standing on a high cliff with my eyes closed looking towards the sky. I’m taking in big breathes of air and exhaling slowly as if I’ve not been able to breathe before. My whole body is feeling the release of the air from my lungs and I feel a sense of calmness come over me and notice that my once tense arms and clenched fists are now wrapped gently across my own chest. I was giving myself a hug that I so desperately needed. (a hug of forgiveness and understanding)
As I look past the cliff ahead of me, I see a long swinging bridge made of tattered rope and rotting planks of wood. The wind is blowing and making the bridge sway, and I see a dark canyon below with shadows I thought I recognized and cold rocks that reminded me of a place I’d been before in my life. There were sounds that gave a chill to my skin and I found myself trying to recall where I’d heard them in the past.
I look across the bridge and my face turns to one of concern and I feel a heaviness in my chest…..I see a young girl begin to bravely cross the bridge taking one small step on the first thin board. I can see her struggle to keep her balance because the bridge begins to sway even wider from the weight of what she’s carrying. She reaches for the side rails made of rope, but they too are loose and nonsupportive and give way to the desperate grab of her sweaty hands. She has a look of fear and unbearable pain in her eyes, and she searches frantically for her next step. Will this one fail her? Will she be on a solid piece of wood the next time she places her foot down and will it hold her long enough so that she may take another and continue across the swinging bridge? I want to shout out to her, “NO, not there….try that one!” and “Don’t grab that piece of rope, it will fail you!! Reach further!!”
I begin to watch her every move as if I’m taking those steps for her….every shaky step across the swinging bridge over that dark canyon. I see the bridge begin to sway even wider now as she makes her way towards the middle of the bridge, and it unsettles her and she forgets her progress so far. She begins to glance down to the depths below and has a look of sadness and weak surrender on her face as if she just wants to stop trying. She’s motionless and weak from her journey, and if I were standing there with her I’m sure I’d hear her say, “I’m tired of trying, there’s no hope, I’ll never make it across, I thought this was the right path to take.”
I know that look from somewhere…..I walked that swinging bridge and thought those same things. I looked down into those dark shadows of despair and grief and they covered my soul and held me down in that canyon. I sat on those cold rocks where nothing seemed to bring me warmth, and the sounds that she was hearing, cried out to me as well until my ears were burning.
I began to call out to that young girl from where I was at and told her not to look down anymore. “Look at me, and never look down there again. Don’t look at those rotting planks under your feet, just walk!! Don’t fumble for rope to hold you, just continue to reach here!!” I kept yelling for her to keep moving and not listen to the sounds below her feet. As I yelled for her I found myself making my way across the swinging bridge towards her because I didn’t want her to feel alone as that bridge continued to swing wider than it had before. I wanted to give her the support she needed to make it across safely, afterall, she was a little girl just like me trying to make that long journey. I had to show her the way. I wanted to show her that I’d never leave her there alone struggling to make it across that ugly dark canyon.
As I joined her three-fourths of the way across, I put my sweater across her shoulders and pushed the hair away from her eyes so that she could see. I smiled at her and looked into her eyes. I felt her take in a long deep breath, and she exhaled slowly as if she’d never breathed before. I told her, “There’s a place over there where you can rest. I’ll help you make it the rest of the way across.”
I’ve thought a lot about my dream and what it means for me in my life and how I can be there to reach out to the young girls and women making it across that swinging bridge. My heart is aching for you and your baby as it does for my own…..
I am there across the other side of the bridge reaching out to you, and I know the journey you’re about to make. I can help you make it across. Many women and other young girls on this site can offer you love and support to help you across.
Please stay in contact with this site as often as you can, and continue to share with your mother and boyfriend because you need their supportive love.
Thank you for letting me share with you, and giving me the opportunity to help you.
much love and support,
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