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October 23, 2009 at 5:11 am #25937kleinevos
Alright, well. I don’t know where to begin.
Well, probably the two most prominent and serious relationships I have been in were both abusive. The first time, I was only 15 and he was 17. It wasn’t really huge stuff, just a lot of mind control nonsense and guilt tripping and emotional abuse. However, ever since then I feel like I’ve been kind of “damaged”, if you will, when it comes to relationships. After that relationship, which lasted about 9 months, I dated around, met some really nice guys but I just couldn’t bring myself to feel anything real toward them. When it came to boys, I just kind of felt frozen and turned off by any sort of romantic affection. For awhile I actually thought it was because I was a lesbian but, as it turns out, that was definitely not the case. Awhile back, shortly after I turned 17, I met an older man who seemed nice enough, we got to talking, and eventually a relationship evolved. Within the first month of it, things went sour. I don’t really feel the need to get into details but it was a very low, confusing point in my life. The relationship was just very controlling and physically/emotionally abusive. But, of course, I was “so in love”, so I dealt with it for a good while. Finally, this past July, I got up the courage and the strength to push him out of my life completely. It was a really ugly scene, but I got through it and I am immensely better off in doing so.
But. I still just…don’t feel right. Ever since the sting of my first “real relationship” at 15, I’ve just felt so detached when it comes to dating, love, etc.No matter how nice of a guy I found, I would always find some reason to break off the relationship. Or I would purposely start arguments, be defensive and unreasonable, and wreck the relationship intentionally. It was getting to the point where I thought I was a freak of nature. Holding hands, touching, kissing, etc. did absolutely nothing for me. It just felt weird and boring. None of my friends could understand why I didn’t enjoy things like this. I didn’t understand it either. In any case, it was just something I had gotten used to, until in early September I met someone…and literally everything changed. It started off so random and innocent, it’s kind of amazing to think about it now. I met a boy and we started to talk, we talked quite a bit actually. We met up a few times, hung out, flirted, you know how it goes haha, and then one night he kissed me. And I felt something. It wasn’t like a movie, fireworks shooting off in the distance or anything like that. It just felt like, “Yes. Okay. This is right. This is what I’ve been waiting for.” Since then, this boy and I have been a couple. However, from then on it certainly wasn’t a happily ever after.
I’m still doing the same things I always do. I’m irrational and obsessive. Constantly paranoid, insecure and unsure of myself. He makes me so happy but at the same time he drives me insane. He works a lot and usually in his free time just wants to hang out with his friends, which is fine. He finds time for me when I ask, he’s never mean or rude or anything like that at all. It’s just that…I’m having a really hard time adjusting to a relationship like this. The feelings I have for him are completely new to me. I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone. It’s exciting, but more so it’s terrifying. I don’t know how to explain it, I’m just afraid of everything. Afraid of making him angry, of not being good enough, of him finding someone better, someone less crazy, less f’d up in the head. And well, if it’s not TMI, he’s way more experienced than I am when it comes to …sexual matters. He respects me and never pushes me into anything, but I mean, we have *ahem* fooled around, I suppose that’s the most appropriate way of putting it, and he’s my first everything. I’m not his first anything. So to him, it’s not so much a big deal, but to me it’s a huge deal. I’ve never trusted anyone, especially a boy, enough to do anything like that with them. As a result of this, I’ve become somewhat obsessive. And clingy. And I don’t know how to stop being this way. I think about him way too much. All I want to do all day is talk to him or be with him, and when I can’t do either of those things I just get this deep, bitter pain in my stomach that weighs me down and makes me feel hollow. Dramatic, I know. He’s a very mellow, passive, go with the flow kinda guy and I know he’s not meaning to upset me with his customary flippant personality, but as insecure and damaged as I feel, it really does get to me. He’s very sweet and genuine, and I know deep down, logically, he does care about me, but my emotions and frazzled brain can’t seem to keep believing it. I don’t know how to tell him any of this without sounding crazier than I already am. I don’t want to come on too strong and sound pushy/clingy and then have him not want to be with me at all. Basically, I’m just at a huge loss here. I’m sorry this turned out so long but I literally don’t have anyone to talk to this kind of stuff about. To anyone who actually read this, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.October 23, 2009 at 11:08 pm #25944Meg11
Believe it or not you are in a good place right now, it took me YEARS and many many heartaches to get to the place you are at now, I want you in this very moment to realize that you are recognizing an issue, one that is not your fault, you are now aware of what abuse has made you feel and no matter what happens with the relationship you are in now do not let this go, this is the beginning stages of healing and do not let ANYTHING or ANYONE rob you of this wonderful realization….now, just so you know who is sharing with you let me share a little of my background…lost my virginity at 13, got dumped 20 minutes afterward for being “too clingy”, spent the next 10 or so years entering relationships, having sex, getting emotional, being abused, breaking up, hitting the rebound and then repeating over and over again….got pregnant at 19, very controlling abusive guy, dated a guy while broken up, got back together when baby was born, broke up a year later after not being able to tolerate the abuse, got together with guy I dated while pregnant, got pregnant again…at this point I was a total mess, I spent so long trying to make myself the “perfect girlfriend” one who was not clingy, one who was totally ok with canceled plans, one who was “fine” with him hanging out with the guys rather than me, etc….I was still clingy inside whether I allowed it to show or not, I was NOT ok with canceled plans, and I was NOT fine with him only coming around for sex…I had been “trained” by abusers and users to make myself this way so that I would be the “perfect girlfriend” who benefited? Not me…that is so for sure…anyways here I was pregnant with my second child, already a single mom, I thought to myself, no one will ever want me now, I have two kids from two dads, I have stretch marks, deflated boobs and I am not free to be spontaneous because I had 2 very important responsibilities…I felt ruined, worthless and done…I made a vital decision, one that I will never regret and one that set my feet on the path of healing, I decided not to have sex again until I was married and I decided that I was not going to be in a relationship with ANYONE unless I thought there could be potential for marriage, no one was going to stare at my stretch marks or deflated boobs until we were married and if he loved me enough to marry me then it wouldn’t matter to him, it was life changing and freeing….I did meet a wonderful man, he was not into the whole “football buddies” and guys night out stuff, he doesn’t drink, he is a very family oriented man, wants the same things as I do in life….we got married 2 1/2 years after I made those decisions and I did make it to my wedding night before we had sex…honey, I have been married for a month shy of 3 years, I still battle those worthless feelings, I still feel “ruined” at times but you know what, I have learned that it is not a bad thing to be clingy, it is not a bad thing to want his attention, it is important to the relationship to keep your promises and dates and appts with each other…I am unsure of who made the rules about being clingy and wanting to spend day and night with each other, but I can guarantee you that the person who made those rules had not experiences a true, healthy love….I still have a hard time holding hands and being close without having sex, my husband has been very patient with me and because of the fact that I made myself vulnerable enough to open up and share with him what I have been through he understands…he is there to help me heal and help me re-learn how to be loved in the healthy ways….do not let yourself go through the battles I put myself through for over a decade…I would encourage you to talk with your boyfriend, if he cannot understand, dry your tears, hold you and be there to help you find what you need to heal then he doesn’t deserve you, there is someone out there who would love for you to “cling” to them, someone who will not use your vulnerability but rather cherish it and keep it safe, do not sell yourself short and settle for anything less than a perfect gentleman who loves you for who you are, sadly just like me part of who you are has been affected by abuse, some aspects can heal in time and other aspects of that abuse will be with you forever, it does not mean you have to be a victim though, you can use those lingering traits of abuse to reach out to someone just the way I am for you right now….it can make you or break you, let it make you, let it be something that gives you a strength not a weakness…if you cannot be who you are and loved in a relationship then it is not the right guy for you!!! I hope this helps a little and I am here for you if you want to talk more or if you have any questions…Love Meg, email@example.comOctober 24, 2009 at 3:23 am #25946DeadxDyno
Intrestingly enough I get where you’re coming from. I genrally have that same problem & now that I’m with someone who I know cares I’m still deffencive for no reason and illogically paranoid. I don’t have much advice, I’m just happy you posted now I know I’m not the only one like that =)
Glad you found someone you truely care bout though, I’m sure things will work out.
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