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August 21, 2007 at 9:47 pm #18709jiahsk
I am 18 yrs old and in a relation since the last 2year.Not an hanky-panky business but a serious one and we both planning for marriage as soon as possible.We come from the same religion and background.And so according to us the marriage is acceptable in society.But some how my parents are opposing it.When i ask them the reason why they dont have any valid answer,all they say is that they dont like the guy – at all.Well on the other hand,my mom has met the guy just once,that too for 15 mins and spoken to him only twice but never in detail.Jus pestering him that you leave my daughter or else ill give you a tough time.When i try to speak to her,all i get is tears and taunts like choose us or him.She even wanted me to leave the house if i wanted to be with him.My dad stays abroad and all that he speaks to me upon the phone is,if you wish to marry that guy think that your father is dead for you.
I am doing my BA and as well as cosmetology in which i am supposed to be excelling and takin up as a career.I come from a highly educated family and My father wants me to go abroad after a span of 2 years and open up a clinic and get established and earn.But contradicting this he’s also very keen on getting me married after a years or two and then live according to the terms and conditions of my husband.
I’ve got total liberty to work and study after marriage and be a career oriented woman in the case of my boy friends family.They are completely okey with it.But my father’s still reluctent to it! Without a reason my parents say NO…
N here i dont really know what to do??
Shall i go with the 18 years of love and care i got from my parents and sacrifise my love??
Or shud i go with my true love and happiness and give my parents pain?August 22, 2007 at 12:20 pm #18714ericklirios
First things first: you’re not helpless. Let’s get that out of your mind. The sooner you realize you actually have the ability to do something about your situation, the better it is for you.
Next, one of the most underrated skills in this world is communication – regardless of how educated we may be. What I’m saying is that though your folks may be educated, they may not necessarily know just how to deal with your situation. And what is that situation? Their little girl is not so little anymore and it may just really scare them. It’s just the way parents are.
They’ve given you undeniable and unconditional love for almost nineteen years already. You have to understand that that love for you began even before you were born. You were already alive as soon as you were conceived and they valued you since that time.
I’m not even saying that the two years of love you’ve shared with your boyfriend is peanuts compared to that. Far from it. What I am saying is that you have to approach your parents’ position with respect. A lot of it.
But you also deserve respect as their daughter and an adult. You cannot, repeat, cannot, allow yourself to just be angry when they shut you down. Sit them down and ask them to talk to you like the grown-ups that you are. If they’re so vehement about their not wanting you to get hitched to this guy, they must have some reason. You have to totally stress to them that for you to even try and follow that, you have to know why they’re acting up so much. It seems so melodramatic of them to say stuff like, “think that I’m dead” without reason. With all due respect to them, they need to tell you what’s up before you can even decide to follow what they say or not to.
I’ve been in a few disagreements with my own parents and there are times when you have to stand your ground. You are considered an adult by the state after all. They should do the same. Heck, even the government has to tell everyone why a law must be followed.
At the end of it though, please don’t get hitched just yet. If what you’re after is a career, getting hitched will not really help that. It really won’t. Concentrate on that career, focus on actualizing yourself and at a more mature age, consider getting married. Who knows? Maybe after some time, your parents may see why you love your boyfriend so much or, conversely, you may see the reason why your parents could be right about this whole thing. You’re 18. No need to rush career or marriage.
Oh, and one last thing: please don’t fall into the trap of thinking that’s you’re in an either-or situation. You don’t have to choose your parents over your boyfriend of the other way around. It can be a win-win situation if you play your cards right and that begins with respecting your parents, trying to put yourself in their shoes, deciphering what they’re not telling you, being honest with your own boyfriend about the whole situation, etc.
It would not be to your best interest to isolate your parents now or at any other time. You may think that you don’t need them anymore but that’s not an issue. If you decide to turn your back on them just because they seem unreasonable now, you do two things: You leave a big, gaping hole in your heart where your love for them is, and you start a cycle that will most likely end up the same way when you get your own kids. Most of us think that we won’t do the lousy stuff our parents did to us but, especially if you ask those who are already parents, we do end up being almost just like our parents almost always.
Remember, the reason why you’re feeling what you are feeling is because you love three people so much. It is that love for all of them that will get you through this. Let that love move all of you into communicating and, hopefully, understanding.
Invite your boyfriend to your home more. Train your mom and dad to having him in your lives. See how they react and see how he reacts. It’s a good test of just how this guy loves you to let him interact with other people you value so much and love.
Take care, honey.
ErickSeptember 7, 2007 at 7:12 am #18747alexanders_mama
I know how you feel…
Well, maybe this reply is going to be long, but I have a lot of say about your situation.
May I ask what background you are from? I am Russian, and my first boyfriend was two — but our families hated each other.
We dated in secret, but soon everyone knew about it, and it was a lot of troulbe.
After a month of going out (I wasn’t really living at my paren’t at the time, I’d just turned 16), I was returned to my parent’s house, as I often was after hiding at one or another friend’s place, and they asked me what my boyfriend’s name was. I told them I didn’t have one. I knew that they knew, and they knew who it was, you know how it is in communities, everyone knows everything and everybody else’s business.
Anyway, they said they knew I had a boyfriend, and they wanted to know what his name was. I told them I didn’t have a boyfriend.
They beat me for an hour, ripped off my shirt and made me stand on my knees in the corner of the room while they beat me, demanding to know his name, even though they knew it already. All they wanted to hear from me was his name, so that they could tell him how horrible he was, and forbid me from seeing him.
After an hour, I was still silent, so they sent me to bed.
It was hard. His mother would always yell at me prostitute! and whore everytime I was on the phone to him and she would find out, she tried to stop us at every point possible, and so did my parents.
There were horrible things I would hear in the community about myself, about how promiscous I was, and an aboslute slut that would spread my legs for anyone, even though he was the first boy I had ever kissed!
Anyway, I moved back home on the day I fell pregnant, after five months of going out with him (it doesn’t sound like long, but it was very full-on).
My parents took a different approach this time — a little bit more cunning I’d say.
They befriended him, and then started setting us up against each other.
After I fell pregnant, it was much easier for them to do their work — plus, I don’t think he wanted the baby anyway.
But when they found out, 17 days later his dad suddenly died, (he didn’t know about my pregnancy), and my parents were kicking me out, trying to force him to move in with me.
Our parents just set us against each other; when his mother found out, she went hysterical, and a day later (I was five months pregnant) he disappeared — by this time we were renting a place together, in which only I lived, and he would hardly see me.
I had to track him down, and this was Valentine’s Day; it was also the day of the ultrasound, and the day when I had to have my photo ID taken for home schooling (I was doing Year twelve that year). I still look at that photo and I look so funny, I look like someone’s just hit me on the head with something very heavy! Lol.
I think that was a Monday or Tuesday. It was 2005 anyway.
My parents forbid me from crying or talking about him, and they told me that the less I talked about him, the more respectable i would come across to society. So I did that. On Thursday, I went to Russian school in the afternoon, donned on high heels, in a nice outfit (you couldn’t really see my stomach, i was small), make-up and the biggest smile. I wouldn’t let them see how much I loved him, because he’d left me.
It was hard when I knew everyone was talking about me — even harder when people pretended they didn’t know anything so I would tell them more. My girlfriends were the biggest support group then, but it was hard with the whispers around me.
After an hour I had to leave, because I was about to cry. I didn’t eat for a week, and I just lay in my bed or sat on the couch for a month crying. I woulnd’t talk to anyone for a very long time.
After a month i stopped crying, and all I did was sit on my couch and look at the walls; that’s all I did, other than schoolwork. My parents always put me down; and it was hard, being forbidden to mention my ex-boyfriend.
Alexander was born, and my parents toned down their hatred of my ex just a little bit, because here was their grandchild, and his son all together in one. My ex’s mother is still a little loony though, and my ex doesn’t see his son.
So that’s how it all panned out….My little tragic story…But I’m glad I had my son, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. And the first love of my life taught me invaluable lessons about the world.
And at the end of the day, if you ask me, would I go through it again, would I still not listen to my parents, I would say yes. Because my situation didn’t work out, but many situations do.
And in the end, it’s better to love than not to love at all. Parents deserve respect, and family is very important; and I would of course listen to them and hear them out, I’m not saying I wouldn’t, maybe I would behave a bit more maturely these days (although that’s sometimes hard in some ethnic families, you know) try to discuss the issue with them; [i]but at the end of the day, it’s your heart, and nobody can tell it what to do. [/i]You’ll only end up miserable if you don’t listen to it….
ps. sorry for my long story, I just felt like telling you my story after I read your post, because I can truly understand what a forbidden relationship is like…
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