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December 23, 2011 at 5:54 am #28420Inabrokendream
Ok, so im wide awake its 01:47 in the morning, i cant sleep, im just listening to depressive music unable to forgive myself.
I had a medical abortion 2 weeks ago, i was 5 weeks pregnant.
Ive just written down the way im feeling right now, so ive found this website, as i feel i should share this with others facing similar experiences, and to people who are currently making a decision as to wheter to keep their baby or not.
Here is what i want to share …
[i]A huge part of me finds its really hard to deal with the fact i killed my child.
In a way i regret this, i feel so guilty and i feel a sense of emptiness, something that will never be replaced. When i found out that i was pregnant i did not want a child, i did not want my life to change so dramatically and i didn’t feel i was ready to take on such a massive responsibility i couldn’t even imagine ME giving birth.
When i think now, i still do agree with that, however the feeling of knowing i killed my child is so much stronger.
If i could turn back time, i wouldn’t have killed my baby, i would have gone ahead with the pregnancy regardless of whether i thought i was ready or not. I have now learnt to realize that nature would have made me ready. I will never forgive myself for what i have done and i know i will have this awful feeling for the rest of my life.
The feeling i have been left with is really tricky to describe, i cant really explain it, although my child was only 5 weeks developed, there is still a huge ‘motherly’ sort if feeling which you develop, its just i realized this when it had left, when it was too late. I cant bring what i killed back, it has gone forever, and this makes me feel so sick. I cant belive that i killed my first child, who was created with such love, my child, and i killed it.[/i]
When i found out i was pregnant i straight away didnt want to keep my baby, though as time grew and the abortion day grew closer i kept questioning myself.. however if your similiar to how i was and any lower than 100% sure, you may be making the wrong decision like i did.
xJanuary 6, 2012 at 9:51 pm #28438renee
There are so many emotions and thoughts you must be facing. I am so sorry for your loss and I’m so proud that you are sharing your story and trying to help through your experience. I will be praying for you.
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