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April 9, 2005 at 3:32 pm #7316Anonymous
Hi.. my name is Jackie and I’m 18 and about a month ago I found out that I was pregnant… my parents were real supportive and I am going to have and keep my baby. The other night me and my Mom were talking about the father. He is 26 and we broke up about a month and a half before I found out I was pregant. He claims that he is going to be there and stay by my side in raising our baby but the thing is that i do not fully trust him. The other day he told me he wants to move to NY , where I live, so he can be closer to me and the baby. We both still have feelings for each other but I’m not sure I want to start a realtionship with him again. My mom thinks basically that he is trash and she hates his guts. She started getting really mad at me when i told her how he wanted to move to NY. She told me that she does not want him around me, her or our baby. She said that if i am going to just off and let him into my life then I should leave and go live with him. I really don’t know w!
hat I should do. I want my mom to help me and the baby and i know she will. But at the same time I don’t think it’s fair for my baby to grow up without a dad, especially if he is willing to be a father, all because my mom does not like him. I need some answers and i really dont know what I am going to do at this point.April 11, 2005 at 10:14 am #7334Anonymous
Jackie, you have intuition and a gut instinct for a reason, and if it is telling you that you can’t trust the father of your baby, then you should listen to what your heart is telling you. Obviously only the two of you know the reasons you ended your relationship, and only you can make the decision about what is best for you and your baby. If he really does want to move to NY to be closer to you and your child, then that shows maturity on his part. If he is serious about being a part of your son or daughter’s life, you will see that through his actions, not only his words. Just because someone is 26 doesn’t mean they have the maturity level of other people the same age.
If he really does want to be a part of your life, then you have to make the decision, and as you pointed out, you now have your child’s future to consider as well. I think that you are incredibly unselfish for wanting the best for your child, despite your relationship with his or her father. I don’t know the circumstances surrounding your break up, nor how serious your relationship was, and if you aren’t sure that you want a relationship with him again, then you should wait and see what happens. If he moves to NY to be there for you, you need to make your expectations clear. What do you expect from him? What is he expecting from you? You didn’t end the relationship for no reason, so whatever issues that were there when you were together will still be there if you choose to start seeing him again. But whatever happens, before he makes the move, you need to make it clear that there are no guarantees concerning your relationship with each other. If you want to see some things change before you will consider starting again, then be honest with him.
Your mother has a point, but it is still your decision, and she should respect that. But at the same time, it is your parents who are supporting you and helping you, so you also need to be sure that you respect them and honor their opinions. If everything falls apart with your ex, it is your parents that will be there to help you pick up the pieces. All else aside, it is your parents who will stand beside you. They love you unconditionally, and are proving that as they support you now. So many girls don’t have that option. Your mother is worried about you, and she probably sees things in your ex that you can’t because you are in the situation. Having said that, while she may see some things objectively, he is the other person in the equation, the one who could quite possibly disappoint her little girl, and she doesn’t want to see you hurt or heartbroken. So while it may seem that your mom hates his guts and thinks he is trash, the chance is high that she reacted to what you said out of fear. She’s a mom, she worries. You’ll know that worry soon enough. Try to sit down with her. Tell her you want to discuss it openly, honestly and rationally. You’re trying to be responsible. Ask her to explain why she doesn’t like him. If she has an opinion, she should tell you why. Try to stay calm, talk it through rationally, and explain why you want your ex to be a part of your child’s life. No doubt you’ve already been thinking about that, but if you haven’t really thought in depth, start now. It’s your decision, and your mother cannot keep him out of your life, but you would be wise to listen to her reasons – I imagine they are genuine concerns for you.
And as for your relationship, if you tell your ex that you’re not guaranteeing a relationship with him and he is still willing to move, that shows maturity and responsibility on his part. If he moves, then only time will tell if you are ready to be with him again and if the problems that caused your break up are able to be resolved. If he’s going to be a part of your child’s life, then he needs to pull his weight, he needs to give 150%. Emotionally, physically, financially. He needs to help in every aspect, and only you know if he understands what it will mean to be a parent. He should be doing everything he can to prepare himself – that means being willing to go to classes with you if you want him to, and all that other stuff guys don’t think about. How far he is willing to go to help you and support you will say a lot about his character – far more than words. You can ask your parents to give him a chance. But if you do, then guard your heart. If your heart tells you you can’t trust him, he will have to be prepared to earn your trust – both yours and your parents’. If he is mature, he will accept that he needs to earn trust and respect. If you allow him back into your life, then you need to take it slowly. Guard yourself. I’m not saying you should necessarily expect him to disappoint you, but if it happens, you need to be prepared. If it doesn’t work out, you may feel pain, but that will fade, and you will have the peace of knowing that you gave it a shot. You tried – for yourself and for your child, and you won’t have to wonder what could have been.
And one more thing… you still have feelings for him, so be prepared. If he moves, it will be hard not to get involved with him. Until you’re sure about what you want as far as your relationship with him, be friends, but not friends with benefits. Don’t let him manipulate you into having a physical relationship, and don’t let yourself go there. You won’t respect yourself, and neither will he respect you for giving in so easily. If you’re going to get bacvk together, it needs to be the whole package, not something casual. You have a child to think of, and if things turn sour, knowing that you haven’t done anything to be sorry about will help a lot. Brooklyn.April 11, 2005 at 2:17 pm #7336aprilmarie0204
I can’t give you all the answers, but I think it might help to talk to your mom and really let her know how strongly you feel about having your childs father in her life. Tell her you know it is proabaly a bad idea to be with him, but that you want him to have a relationship with your child. Because if he really wants to see her he can sue for custody and if you are found to be keeping them apart he would probably win. And then you wouldnt have a say as to when he could visit and so forth. I hope that helps a little, and i hope all goes well with your baby.August 2, 2005 at 7:18 am #8948BigAlsMom02
My mom never liked my boyfriend (the father of my son now) and I should have listened to her before I got pregnant (although I love my son to death and wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.) I would listen to your mother. Even if he doesn’t move close to you it doesn’t mean that he’ll have nothing to do with the child. He’ll still have to pay child support (it that’s something you want you need to pursue it soon after the baby is born, otherwise if you don’t want him to have anything to do with the child, see if he’ll sign his rights over –that means your mom will probably have to legally adopt the baby.) I hope this helps and good luck with everything.
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