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October 13, 2012 at 11:30 am #28691sagarap212
My story goes back three and a half years ago.. When I was faced with the decision to keep or abort my baby. To be honest, that time period for me was such an emotional roller-coaster ride. It all happened so fast.. I wanted to keep my baby but before I knew it.. I was curled up in a ball crying my heart out after I had done the abortion procedure. I never realized how much of an impact it would have on me. Everyday, I am faced with regret and guilt. I loved her so much.. I remember feeling her kick for the first time. And singing to her as I locked myself in my room crying and telling her I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. I would take my headphones and place them on my belly so she could hear the music too. I would talk to her every day and we’d even go for walks. I’d tell her everything I was seeing and that she’d be seeing soon too. The night of the procedure.. My partner ended up leaving me at home by myself to go out and party.. As if he was celebrating the death of our unborn baby…
You would probably think I left him after that incident.. But he and I were always on and off. He’d love me one day, and the next would want nothing to do from me. I was longing for love from someone who I thought that cared. I never got it… 3 years later I decided to move away from home so I can pursue a career after getting my education. I realized that I spent too much time not caring for life after everything I had done and wanted to change it. I split up with my partner because when he found our I was moving to another city.. He started to pursue another relationship with a new girl. The only reason I found out about it was because she felt guilty and admitted everything to me one night at the bar. (We arranged a meeting.) So I moved away. Did half a semester in this new place, grades averaging A+ and came back for the summer to visit my family.
I promised myself I wouldn’t go back to my ex, but after two weeks of being there, I found myself drunk and at his house. Of course.. He took me to the lake that weekend and we made love on the beach. We were bonding so well.. It was the feeling I always longed for. We were with his family. We brought our puppy, Dragon with us. (Although she lives with me.) It was great. We took her for a walk and laid at the beach that night watching the stars, listening to the waves crash onto shore and wishing on shooting stars. I couldn’t ask for anything more…
A few weeks later.. I noticed my period was late. I’m not sure if anyone can vouch for me, but when you’re pregnant, you know I am. Not just because of the morning sickness.. But I can feel the changes in my body.. My boobs were beginning to grow, I was always tired, my sense of smell was heightened. So I made an appointment to the doctor to take a pregnancy test, only to confirm my pregnancy. I was shocked. Happy yet scared at the same time. I was pregnant for the second time, with the same man who tortured me during my first pregnancy. How was he going to deal with this? Was I going to have to relive all that trauma? I went home, laid in bed, placed my hands on my belly and smiled. It was as if everything I was missing was back again. Like nothing even happened.. I was back in that place.
The next day, I met my partner after his shift and told him the news. He was speechless, but nonetheless, he told me he would support my decision this time around and wouldn’t make me go through anything I didn’t want to do. The issue at hand this time around was the idea that I was just starting to get my life cleaned up.. I wasn’t living at home. I was living in another city. Miles away. I knew in the back of my head I didn’t want to make that decision again, so I went back to the doctors and made an ultrasound appointment and had my blood work done. I went alone, on my partner’s birthday. Baby was 8 weeks old that day. I was two months pregnant. I was leaving to go back to school the next week. I didn’t know what to do.
Everyday for the next few days, I went for walks all over the neighborhood to get my mind off everything. I’d be gone for hours at a time. My parents would often get mad at me for being out so late, but I think they knew something was going on, even though I denied everything. This was something my partner and I had to deal with ourselves, without anyone else.
I called an abortion clinic and made an appointment that upcoming Friday. Although I was still indecisive of my decision, I knew the counselors would give me time to rethink my decision before following through with anything. My partner came with me. I couldn’t stop crying the moment we arrived in the parking lot. He tried to comfort me but I kept pushing him away. I didn’t want to feel comfort. I didn’t want to feel anything. We were already there.. Might as well do it. Everyone looked at me when I walked in. The room was silent. And there was me.. Crying.. I couldn’t even read the procedure papers, my eyes were completely filled with tears. Within a few minutes, I was called in. Just like that. No time at all. The counselor I was with didn’t even mention why I was sad. I felt no emotional connection whatsoever. But I guess that was good in the sense that I already seemed to have made up my mine.
The other women waiting to get the procedure done seemed as if nothing was phasing them, yet I felt such a burden waiting to happen. I cried and cried. They called me in. I cried and cried some more. They had me lay on the bed. I cried and cried and cried.. Those noises play back in my head so vividly it disgusts me. But it was done. I killed my second child. On my own freewill. My partner took me home and I asked him to find me drugs. As many drugs as he could get his hands on. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to forget about everything. I got so high out of my mind. I’ve never been that high before…..
Everyday after that, I felt nothing. I wasn’t sad, yet I wasn’t happy. I pretended like none of it happened. I came back to finish my school and rumor went around my family about me being pregnant. Everytime I see a child or a baby, I tend to isolate myself from them whereas before, I loved kids. I worked in a daycare. I wanted to be a teacher. Now, I can’t even give my baby cousin a hug without feeling uncomfortable. I call my sister to talk every now and then and I cry when I hear my nephews laughing and talking in the background.. Playing with each other. I call her just to hear their voices in the background. I would do anything for those kids..
And then yesterday it hit me. I hit rock bottom. I started to feel again. Out of nowhere. I got home and couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop thinking about my children. How bad of a person can I actual be. I will never be a mom, I will never be loved. I will never have someone look up to me and tell me they need me when they’re hurt or sick. My unborn children were 17 weeks old and 9 weeks old… I am a murderer. I killed my own kids. Imagine that. I thought I was a loving person. I thought I was stronger than that. I thought I would’ve made an amazing mom. But I can’t. I wont. I refuse to accept what I did. I don’t even deserve to be here. My heart was ripped my my chest last night. I felt every inch of it tearing out. I didn’t sleep all night, I just cried. And cried. And cried. I tried to seek comfort from my partner but even he had nothing to say besides “He cares.” Maybe I shouldn’t get so upset with him for not understanding but I feel so alone right now.
I would give anything to take back my mistakes. To trade my life in for theirs. To kiss their foreheads and tell them mommy loves them. I would give anything to hold them and never let them go. I would do anything to show off my amazing kids.. Their beauty inside and out. I would give anything to see them smile and hear them laugh. Hear their voices. I would do anything to tell them I love them. I do. I have and I always will even though it didn’t seem like it at the time. I’m feeling it now, but now’s too late. It’s far too late. Penelope and Austin. Those would’ve been their names.
My sweet sweet babies… Mommy loves you so much. And I am soo sorry for what I’ve done. I want to die just so I can be with you guys again. But again, that’s a selfish act on my part. I only think about myself sometimes.. I’m selfish in that sense. And I’m sorry, everyday I will be sorry and everyday I will fall down on my knees and ask for your forgiveness. I always longed for your daddy’s love. I did everything I could to make him happy. To make him love me… I was so blinded by the thought of being loved by him that I neglected to take notice on the love you both would’ve given to me. I would have been more than overjoyed if I could feel your love. Hear your heartbeats one more time.. I pray everyday that there’s a heaven so I can be reassured that you two are up there safe and taken care of. I pray that one day I will be able to meet you guys.. But I knew I don’t even deserve to come close to heaven’s gates. I’m scared that if there is no heaven, I will never meet you guys.. Mommy is a bad, bad, horrible person. And she is so sorry. I’m so sorry. Words cannot express how empty I feel. I love you guys……. So much..
You probably think I’m a horrible person and honestly, I encourage the negative comments right about now. I deserve it. I know that. Please, just let me have it. I can take it. I don’t deserve this life. I don’t deserve to breath this air. Nor do I deserve to see. I am lost. I can admit that much. I am a lost soul. And I want to find my way home. If there even is a way home for me…… I bow down to all your women who were able to make it as a parent. You girls are such an inspiration. I only wish I could’ve had as much confidence in myself to do what you guys do on a daily basis. Be a parent. Be a mom. Be a role model to my children.. You guys are amazing…
Thanks for listening to my rant. Take care all…October 15, 2012 at 2:03 pm #28693Anonymous
I wanted to let you know how touched I was reading your post. It takes courage, vulnerability and strength to share your experiences openly with others. I know many girls and women facing similar circumstances and choices will be touched by your story too.
I sympathize with the deep pain and regret you expressed about your decision to abort your unborn babies. You have made a big step towards healing by sharing this with other women. It’s normal to grieve a pregnancy loss, especially the loss of a child by abortion. Losing your child can form a hole in one’s heart, a hole so deep that sometimes it seems nothing can fill the emptiness. But there is healing and there is hope.
Many woman face the same experiences of grief and even deep depression after an abortion. You are not alone. Making peace with your past is important. There are many people who can walk with you and help you in this journey. Some women find counseling to be an important part of their healing journey. Your local pregnancy center (www.optionline.com) can help you find counseling in your area. Others find healing in their religious faith. Your local church community has many resources for helping you. You are precious to God, and his desire is to love and forgive and to restore your heart. Never let your past be an obstacle between you and God. You are loved.
I want you to know that you are not a bad person – and you don’t deserve any negative comments. While you can reject the choices you made, your life is a gift, and there can be healing and restoration after an abortion. Let your story of pain and regret be one of hope and forgiveness and great love.
There is hope and there is healing after an abortion. I encourage to reach out to your church community or to a counseling center to discover how you can start your journey of healing after these experience.
Feel free to message me if you would like to write more.
Much Love to You!
MakilahOctober 16, 2012 at 9:02 am #28695Meg11
Hey there, I do NOT think you are a horrible person, you are a girl that did what she felt she needed to in order to “fix” her situation….We have all made terrible decisions, some of us have steeper consequences than others, but we all have regrets!!! I am SO sorry for your losses and for the pain you carry with you….One thing that many girls don’t embrace is this, Sure, you made the decision to abort, but you STILL lost a child, you ARE allowed to grieve….you are allowed to cry and feel all of the emotions that come with loss….for you, its just a little harder because you did have a choice….Therefore you have added grief on top of it all….That is a lot to deal with on your own….What I would like for you to do is this, Visit optionline.org or call them at 1-800-712-HELP, They can give you the contact info for the closest Pregnancy Help Center near you where you can get some FREE and CONFIDENTIAL Post Abortive Counseling….Here is another great resource, http://whiteaswoolministries.org/ , You are NOT alone in this….Just hang in there….We are all here to support you in your healing….Being brave enough to post this and share your heart with us is a good step, a good first step towards healing….Much Love to you and PLEASE let us all know if you are able to get hooked up with some help through the resources I gave you or through another source that you come across! Take care and don’t be a stranger! Love Meg, email@example.comOctober 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm #28697sagarap212
First of all, I would like to say thank you Makilah and Meg for taking the time to read my post and actually respond to it. Your thoughtful words brings me to tears.. Neither of you know me.. Yet you express the deepest, kindest words to me.. And I words cannot come close to how appreciative I am for that.
Today is a very significant day for me. My first child, Penelope would’ve been welcomed to the world today. The first time I would’ve seen the color of her eyes and hair.. The first time I would’ve been able to hold her in my arms and kiss her. Feel her skin.. Tell her I loved her to her face…
I am numb. I feel no pain but I know from these tears falling from my face, that the sorrow is buried deep down inside somewhere.. For the first time in my life.. I am at a loss of words. My throat feels like it is contracting.. As if it’s closing up. It kind of feels like someone is strangling me.. I feel as if I’m trying to cough out my feelings but they’re being shoved back in. They’re stuck. And today.. I can understand why.
I lit two candles.. Their burning beside me as I write this.. One for Penelope and one for Austin. I came across a site that had informed me that today was an awareness day for the children we have lost in the past. People from all over the world light a candle in memory of these children. I lit candles in memory of mine. They sit here, beside me, beside the only pictures I have of them. I placed a cross in the middle. I want them to know I will never forget them.. Today.. Or anyday for that matter.
One of the candles burnt out after I lit them both. It was the candle in front of Penelope’s picture. I figured it was because she didn’t forgive me and blew out the candle herself.. I shed a tear and spent a few minutes trying to relight it.. If the candle going out was of any significance, I wanted to make it known that I would do anything to make it burn again. I finally did, but the flame still doesn’t burn as brightly as the other.
I’m not sure what I’m writing right now to be completely honest. I’m not sure if I answered any questions, or if this reply is of any significance.. What I do know is that although I’m at a loss of words, sitting here in front of these candles and my sweet children’s pictures makes me somewhat content as to where I stand right now.
I’ve been talking with an online counselor and she has been great. She’s very understanding, positive and caring of my situation. Just as you ladies have been treating me. Also.. I knew that if I kept my feelings bottled inside without getting any feedback I might act on the thoughts in my head, sp I went and met with two another person regarding my thoughts and emotions. Unlike the online counselor that I had met, he wasn’t as understanding and compassionate. I guess the idea that he was a male could be taken into consideration, but I do appreciate his efforts.
I cannot express how grateful I am to have come across such beautiful women. My past has been nothing but dirty and unjustifiable.. Yet you were able to look past my actions and see the person surfacing from within me. You helped me realize that yes, there is hope, and yes it takes time. Nothing could ever fill the void I feel right now and there probably won’t ever be. But at the end of the day.. There is hope.
I no longer feel as lost as I was, but I do know I am grieving. I have lost two children. I chose to let my children go. And maybe I don’t deserve the kind feedback I’ve been getting.. But I do appreciate it. I am truly blessed. Thank you.October 17, 2012 at 4:25 am #28698Anonymous
I am so glad you were encouraged and that you are connecting with counseling people to help walk with you through this.
I am praying for you – especially today.
Peace and love to you!
Makilah 🙂October 17, 2012 at 7:01 am #28699Meg11
You are worth every second of my time honey!…..I wanted to encourage you in some truth…Hopefully the kind of truth that will set you free…..Honey, Penelope did NOT blow that candle out….It could be that you feel more remorse or guilt over her loss than you do for Austin and that guilt is deep within you twisting every thought you have and every experience you witness, In a sense its like you want to believe that she is angry with you and you want to believe that she “has it out for you” because in a sick way, it makes you feel better to know “its coming”….I know this because I beat myself up the same way over other issues in life….If I inflict pain on myself through guilt trips and self bad talking then what I expect to hear from others isn’t as bad….Well that will NOT happen here at Standupgirl!….
TRUTH, Your babies are in heaven, Jesus said, Forbid not the little children to come to me…..He would NEVER deny a sweet little life to enter into heaven, They are safe in His arms and those same arms are stretched out to you, longing to embrace you and heal your pain…..TRUTH, when someone is in heaven, they are not watching us, God is LOVE, He would never allow your babies to see you go through this torment, They are in a place where there is no sorrow, no tears, no pain, He would not allow them to “blow out candles” or witness your grief…That would prevent heaven from being the wonderful place it is!…..TRUTH, God is watching you, He is saving your tears in a bottle, He wants to heal your heart and He is waiting to forgive you….Waiting for what? For you to simply ask….You can’t earn forgiveness, you can’t buy forgiveness, you can only and simply receive it….Clearly you know what you did is wrong, clearly you have a need for that to be forgiven, If you ask God to forgive you, ask Him to cleanse you and set you free, ask Him to open your heart and let His Son Jesus come into your life and make you new, I PROMISE He will!….I had to do this 11 years ago when my life hit rock bottom, I couldn’t handle my consequences any longer…I needed help, I was drowning in my choices and He was there to reach out His hand and rescue me, He will rescue you too!!!….
Here is a poem, it is a tear jerker so grab the tissue, but it is truth and hope and I believe it is portrayed in the perfect light of what you are going through….I promise you, If you ask for forgiveness, You will receive it and He will NOT remember your sins, nor will He hold them against you, and one day, when you are done doing HIS work, you will join your babies in Heaven…..Much Love you to, know that I am here for you and after all of this, You will need to forgive yourself….It is often the hardest part….If God, The Creator of the Universe, can, will and wants to forgive you, then surely, you can find a way to forgive yourself….All we need to do is receive it, then move on and learn from it, share what we have learned with others, You know the bitter truth behind abortion, You can extend that painful gift to those who have not made that choice yet…..Hang in there, Read this poem and take in the truth of these words….Hold your head high and walk in the forgiveness that is being offered to you, by the One who Created you, and loves you <3
A Preborn Child's Conversation with His Heavenly Father
Father God, when is my mommy going to be here?
Soon, My child, soon.
Can you tell me how long?
There is no measure of time with Me, my child. She is busy right now doing the work I've given her to do. When all that is done, she'll be here.
Is she going to know me when she gets here?
Yes, she will, My child, I'll let her know.
What does she look like, Father God?
Why she looks like you, My child. The same color hair, the same eyes, the same nose; you resemble her a lot.
What do you think she's going to do when she sees me?
She will run to you, take you in her arms, and love you just as any other loving Mother would do.
Father God, why has she never held me in her arms before?
She never had the chance, My child.
Why did she never have the chance, Father God?
I don't remember, My child.
Della Baker Hutto
"For I will be merciful to their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12October 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm #28700renee
Meg, that beautiful poem made me cry…so did your story sagarap212. Makilah your words are so beautiful. Sagarap212, thank you for laying out your heart. I too will be praying for true healing. There really is complete forgiveness for all of us who ask.
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