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May 6, 2007 at 11:18 am #17202nothingbutarose
Have you ever tried to put a puzzle together? The further along you got in completing the picture, the more you started to realize whole pieces were missing; as if the box had never contained them to begin with.
There are no answers. There are no questions. Or more acceptably, we will never be satisfied with the answer, or even with the question.
Why? Its a constant itch that plagues me everyday and no matter how I scratch it, or how often, it keeps itching.
My puzzle is missing quite a few pieces. The biggest ‘question’, the most elusive ‘answer’, is the definition of the word father. At 18 years old, I find myself pregnant. Either a new mother blessed with the life of a beautiful child, or another tragic statistic for the news. I looked around at my life, and nothing makes sense any more.
On a very windy Valentine’s Day, I sat on the floor in a Del Taco bathroom crying bitterly. Positive. How funny that such an optimistic word can suddenly make your world crash in on itself.
When I finally told my then, and still ex-boyfriend, that he was going to be father, he was pretty speechless. Not because he was going to be a father, but because he didn’t want his female guest to overhear us talking. Several days later, he and I finally had a chance to speak in private. The conversation, at least the beginning of it, will be forever etched into my mind.
"So…?" I asked him. "What are your thoughts?"
"Um…well…". He scratched his chin, casually. "You know, I’m not really ready to grow up right now…I’m not ready for this, so I think you should just have an abortion."
I actually felt my entire heart drop through my stomach. I wasn’t the first girl he got pregnant (should have been my first clue before I started dating him right?). Each of the others had all had abortions. So when we started dating, I told him right away that I didn’t believe in having an abortion and if I ever got pregnant, I wouldn’t have one. No ifs, ands or butts. Its just who I am.
From there, we began to argue. And argue, and argue for about two months till I had become so stressed I almost miscarried, and he finally just dropped off the face of the earth.
I cry, almost every night because of the anger in my heart. I could give you a million reasons why I’m angry at him, some valid, some just petty. I might be absolutely right, or terribly wrong.
I’m angry. At him, but more importantly at myself. For choosing him, for leaving my child father-less because I wasn’t careful enough. So angry, I can’t even talk about the situation without digging my nails into my palms. Hurt. I’m hurt too.
I know that he’ll never get it. That even if he was in the picture, he’d be a half-assed dad and I hate that more than I hate him not being here. He’ll never understand how much he’s hurt me, and more importantly how much he’s hurt this child.
I want to find peace so badly. To forgive. To be healed of all this anger.
I’m 5 months pregnant. I have so many new challenges before me, the last thing I need to do is cripple myself with anger. But no matter how logically I put it to myself, no matter how many reasons I find for why I should heal, I can’t seem to get there. I don’t want my child to be crippled by my weaknesses.
How do I find forgiveness for him, and for myself?May 7, 2007 at 4:14 am #17204Mommieofchris
I beleive you cant forgive someone if what they did was against your morals.
– but your story makes me wonder, which is worse, a father who is around.. but not there for his child, no job, always making the babys mom cry, never helping, always yelling at the baby, throwing things around, calling th baby awfull names… OR a father who just said "i cant do this" and disapered.. it really does make you wonder … but either one, i so horriable.. but either one you have to over come for your child.. NOT JUST YOURSELFMay 7, 2007 at 8:56 am #17205goodluckyall
You spoke very eloquently about a subject that most women would be ranting about in anger, so congratulations for that first step. As for complete forgiveness, it may not come for a long, long time. You may have to look at it simply that he’s incapable of doing what’s right. He’s incapable of loving this child, growing up, or anything else he needs to do. It’s a whole lot easier to see it that way than to think that he just doesn’t want to because he’s selfish. Give your anger/hurt over to God and try your best to just let go. Every time you feel hurt come into your heart, try to just say "thank you" for this man who blessed you with your child. If he’s not around, he’ll be the one missing out on the blessing of knowing your child. Take heart in knowing you will one day meet a man who will be a daddy to your child. Do you have male family members and friends who will be rolemodels for your baby? Sometimes, and unfortunately in this day and age, many children do well as long as they have a good man to look up to. Take care. I know this has to be very difficult.May 7, 2007 at 9:05 am #17206Meg11
Hey there I just wanted to say congratulations on keeping your baby….I know how hard it is to have the dad drop off the face of the earth….my sons dad dropped off the face of the earth in the begining of my pregnancy…I kept hearing from people that he was seen with me…his dad and stepmom told me that some family from out of town said they had finally met Meagan…well I just thought he was that big of a jerk and that he told them some other girl was me so he wouldnt look bad…come to find out his new girlfriends name was Meagan…WOW that was really hard to deal with….he left me pregnant for a girl with the same name and she has 4 kids!!!!! I was so full of bitterness and hurt and I didnt know how to deal with it….it gets worse….come to find out she had been attending the church I went to and I had been playing with her kids in class (I was a helper)….I was so lost and broken…I knew sleeping around outside of marriage was wrong and it was humbling enough to get pregnant…but I kept going to church and I stopped having sex (I waited to have sex for 3 1/2 years I just got married in November) I learned my lesson and I asked God to forgive me for taking my relationship with Him so lightly….but it was so hard to forgive my ex and this girl he was with….after all a woman with 4 kids and no dad around should know what it is like to be pregnant and have a guy leave you for it…RIGHT???? Well I was in the shower one night and I was singing one of my favorite songs…Without love I’m nothing, even if I can reach the sky, and if I can move mountains but I have no love, I am nothing, nothing at all….well this song was inspired from 1 Corinthians 13 where it talks about love…love suffers long, love is kind, it believes all things, bears all things, is not puffed up, does not parade its self, does not rejoice in iniquity. etc.etc.etc. I felt so convicted for the bitterness I had towards them…I had no right to hate her she didnt make him leave me, it wasnt only his fault I was pregnant…I shouldnt have been having sex to begin with, the person I was then..I cant blame him for not wanting to stick around…I got out of the shower and I grabbed a note book and I strated writing him a letter telling how he had hurt me and that I forgive him..then I wrote one to her….I felt so much weight come off of my shoulders by forgiving them and I was able to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy….well it doesnt end there….the two of them are not together anymore but even when they were they would come to my house for dinner and bring the kids…they would take my son and daughter for the weekend sometimes, and the other Meagan even came to my wedding and brought the kids….she calls me still and asks for prayer….he pops in to see his son and he and my husband get along great….the only reason why I was able to forgive him is because I felt so guilty…this is why…Jesus Christ died for my sin…everything I have ever done wrong or will ever do wrong has been forgiven and paid for by the blood of Jesus….with the life I was living I deserved AIDS but God showed me favor and grace and mercy and gave me kids instead…my sons fathers sin has been paid for by Jesus and so has the other Meagans sin….who am I to not forgive what Jesus has already paid for…..Jesus died for the world to make a way to heaven because our sin wont allow us to get there on our own and He rose from the grave to give us hope of eternal life in Him….not everyone has received forgiveness though….and when we dont receive forgiveness it is hard to forgive others…I dont know if you have asked forgiveness from the Lord but I know it is offered to you from Him…I know from experience that He can give you the ability to forgive even when it is hard to do…the bible says that there is only one thing that cannot be forgiven…blasphemy of the Holy Spirit…meaning rejecting of Jesus and what He did on the cross for our salvation and the Holy Spirit that He has sent here to counsel us along the way…if you know that you have fallen short of perfection (we all have) if you know you are a sinner (we all are) if you want to be forgiven (you said you do) then just pray to God in the name of Jesus and ask Him to come into your heart and fill you with the Holy Spirit and forgive you for your sin….then you will be born again and have eternal life….from there once you have been forgiven and set free then you just pray and ask God to help you forgive your ex…it may take time or it might happen immediately but you will beging to lose the bitterness and the Lord will replace it with Joy and Peace…..I hope this helps….it sure did for me…Love and Prayers…MegMay 9, 2007 at 5:33 am #17219persianprincess
You need to forgive yourself for anything and everything. When I was 17 I got pregnant, I was terrified. I found out I was pregnant when I was at school. I had done a bloodtest and called the doctor on my break to get the results, and when I was told, i nearly fell off my chair. I called my bf right away and his exact words were "why are you calling me, call your mom" and then he hung up. I was so hurt and upset. When I got home, I called him again and he asked for me to come over. I went, he hugged me and kissed me and told me that he wants me to carry his first child and all the rest. He had never told me he loved me, and he didnt start then.
That was not acceptable to me, to not hear that he loves me but wants us to have children. about a week later, his mom found out I was pregnant. God bless her, she always knew if someone around her was pregnant. So we told her about my parents and how they wouldnt EVER cope with something like this, I was only 17 after all. I told my mom the same day, and she talked me into an abortion. My bf didnt want to hear of it, but he supported my decision all the same. I had an abortion 3 days before my 18th b-day. I was 7 weeks along. I cried and cried and didnt think I could make it. The day after my abortion, I told my bf I wanted to start trying for a baby in a month. He didnt say anything. We werent trying, because he didnt want another abortion and neither did i. I came to my senses. But i never forgave my mom, for not letting me choose. Exactly a year after I found out I was pregnant, I found that Im pregnant yet again. This time, I told my bf and his family, and not my family. I moved in with him and his parents, We told my parents, when I was 4 month and by the time, it had hit them, there was no going back option. We saw them on the weekends and all were "fine".
On feb 4th, the police knocked on the door to announce that his mom had died in a car crash and his dad was brain dead. He died on Feb 7th, less than 12 hours later, Early on feb 8th, I gave birth to a beautiful babygirl. I was 26 weeks along, and 5 days later she died. She didnt make it because she was critically ill. or so they said. we burried his parents on feb 17th and my daughter next to them, on feb 21st.
Its always easier to be mad at the world, and I was, for taking away his parents, but it cost me my daughters life. I was so stressed I went into labor, (10 cm dilated by the time we reached the hospital).
All im saying is, I know its hard, i know you have a tough road ahead, but many girls have stepped in that route and came out with successful stories. trust me, you can forgive yourself, you are doing the best you can for that child, but dont stress PLEASE. as for your ex, we are not required to forgive the ones that dont want to be forgiven, if we do, its because we are bigger people. I told you my story not so that you can feel sorry for me, but so you can feel happy for yourself atleast a lil bit. You have LIFE inside of you, and No ONe, is more precious than that life, try to cherish it, and enjoy it. Life may throw things at you that you are not prepared for, and then, you will be begging to be where you are now. So be grateful and go with godMay 9, 2007 at 10:01 am #17225nothingbutarose
Its funny how you can see your story inside of someone elses. My grandmother had a freak accident, and passed away in the hospital. I buried her the day before I found out I was pregnant.
Not to seem as if I don’t appreciate your advice, because trust me, I do – but I do want to clarify: I’m beyond excited for this baby. I already bought the stroller, which I know I did waaaay too early. But its like trying to wait for christmas. I get impatient and restlessly happy.
I had several people tell me to get an abortion. Some with good intentions (if you understand my meaning) and others simply bitter selfish reasons. At the end of the day, I knew what I could live with, and what I couldn’t.
My mother was one of the people who suggested having an abortion, but she never forced it. She just told me "Here are your options. I’m by your side, no matter what."
After I told her I was keeping the baby, she told me that she was really proud of me for knowing my boundaries and staying true to them. She had me when she was 19 and doesn’t want to see me walk the hard road that young single parenthood can be but at least I have her here by my side.
My biggest fear is that no matter how many people around me I have, or how much I love my son, that somehow I’ll be lacking. I suppose thats natural though. To doubt ourselves when we are faced with challenges.
Its ironic to me that the "daddy", if you will, doesn’t want anything to do with us, but he’s okay dating a new girl who has a 4 month old of her own. See, thats really my fear. I have bad judgement when it comes to men. How am I going to raise a miniature one?
I know. A good start might be to stop doubting myself. Lol.
Thank you for sharing your story. Wherever life takes you from here, I hope it finds you happiness.
P.S. Everyone (my family) has had me living practically in a bubble since the miscarriage scare because they know I stress too much. So no worries! I’m taking care of myself. Or rather I’m still trying to pretend I’m invincible, and everyone else is taking care of me. ^.^May 11, 2007 at 2:33 am #17251momma_of_isa
Wow, first of all can i say that i think you should be a writer… you wrote that so good and full of thought and feelings… I am also a single mom and just had my baby. But to tell you the truth… i knew from when i was 5 months pregnant that my baby will never see her daddy, and it didnt bother me at all. See, her dad got another girl pregnant and that was it for me… he was not worth it since then, and i got over it. We dont need a man… and we can raise a baby on our own. Even though you want your child to have a dad… are you sure you want a guy like that in such an innocent person’s life? especially your sweet baby? I think it would hurt your baby even more if it knew it had a dad like that, than if you would shut him completly out of yalls life NOW!! i find that is best, anf girl i am living that choice, so i do know what i am talking about! Good luck though and i hope everything works out… make the right choice!!!May 12, 2007 at 11:32 am #17277nothingbutarose
Creepy! My baby’s dad is dating a new girl named Megan too! haha. Except my name isn’t megan, so thats not as weird. What is weird though is that she has a 4 month old. I don’t understand how you can leave your own child, just to date someone with a child of their own. (not that single mommies don’t need boyfriends…just….it doesn’t make sense in this context).
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