fighting the saddness

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    life has just gotten so confusing. Lately I just feel like such an idiot for believing everything he said to me. Im 9 months pregnant with a little boy. my due date was yesterday but he doesnt look like hes going to come since im not dialated or effaced what so ever. I found out i was pregnant about a month after the babys father was deployed. At first he promised to be there and that we would make it through this together. after being over seas for a little bit his attutude totally changed and he became a really bitter confused person. like an idiot i would make excuses for his mean phone calls trying to tell myself i was being understanding of his situation. the truth is he wasnt at all being understanding of mine. he never would ask about how the baby was doing or how i was doing. when i met him he was stationed in maine but he was originally from ohio. i ended up having to move back to connecticut to my parents house due to financial stress. we planned that once he got back he only had a month left in maine before his discharge then we would move to ohio. his mood swings got so severe i started dreading his phone calls because i never knew what mood he was going to be in… one minute hed love me, the next hed think i was cheating..the next hed want to be a dad and then in another hed tell me to give our baby away. these calls hurt so bad but i just used to remind myself who he was before he left. i thought he would be fine when he got back. i couldnt have been more wrong. when he got back he promised every weekend he would come visit me, and every weekend i sat there disappointed. whats even worse is that he would have mood swings and at times be down right mean and then blame it on me… i was hormonal apparently or something.. meanwhile i was like a sad little dog.. i never once voiced my oppinions or let him know that his behavior was unacceptable. i just told myself i was being understanding. then the phone calls became fewer and the text messages got meaner and more conflicting.. and i didnt dare call him because then hed accuse my 1 in 3 day call of being clingy. but he would be mean, then ide get a call saying hes sorry and were still going to work this out..and he wants to be a dad… then 3 days later hed be mean again and so on and so on. so hes in ohio and about a week before my due date he tells me he has a girlfriend and hes changing his number and pretty much he wants nothing to do with our son or me. I really should have seen this comming. i have never cried so much in my life. i just cant help but feeling alone and uncertain right now. whats worse is that he really went out of his way to be mean about it. i go through waves of emotion.. one minute i want him back the next i hate his guts the next im crying because i feel innadequet as a mother because of all these emotional acorbats. i just dont know how to get a grip on this… and then my baby being overdue makes me sad too. i sometimes feel as if he comes i could move on with the rest of my life instead of just waiting. i feel like im going crazy, how do you suddenly adjust to being a single parent and healing a broken heart in a week? i want to be able to be a good mother to my son, i feel horrible that hes starting out his life in such a sad situation. ugh…thanks for listening guys, sorry so long


    Hey you, I am so sorry for the situation you are in, he seems to be so unstable and when you are hormonal, pregnant and overdue on top of that you just need a rock to cling to…it is his loss for not wanting to be that rock of stability…you do not adjust to being a single parent in a weeks time, I know because I was one for 4 1/2 years and part of that time I had two kids on my own from two dads…it can be lonely, depressing and just about unbearable at times but it can also be a great time to discover who you are…as it is now you are a mommy, you will have this baby any day now and he will be your little love muffin, he will make you love and smile like nothing else ever has, he will give you an amazing sense of purpose and victory and he will love you back unconditionally, smile at you when you are crabby, coo and goo and blow raspberries when you feel like crying…children have a way of healing broken hearts…they can be a handful too so make sure you get plenty of you time when needed, take naps when he naps and little things like that to keep your energy and strength up…we are all here for you at Standupgirl and many of us have been through what you are going through and have walked in your shoes…it doesn’t make it any easier but it can be more bearable to have a hand to hold, there are lots of hands here for you!! The good thing about your situation is that if he is in any kind of military branch they are VERY adamant that men take care of their obligations, he is required to pay support for his son, you will probably have to go through the whole paternity thing (I had to and I HATED it) but he will be required by law and government to pay support for his son and if he defaults while in the military then he is in HUGE trouble…at least you will have that sense of security as long as he serves in whatever branch he is in….keep your head up, the hormones will balance in due time, maybe your doctor will give you something to help after birth, you are going to be a great mommy and do not let your situation rob you of these next coming weeks and months of enjoying getting to know your little guy!! We are all here for you and I will be keeping you in my prayers…Love Meg


    Thank you so much for your response. Your words really have helped me. I think this site is great. Im still sad, but after reading alot of the other stories I realized that there are some amazingly strong women out there, and its very inspirational. Im now officially a week over due, and growing very anxious to see this little boy of mine. I cant believe how much life has changed for me. Ive set in my head though that I am determined to provide the best life for my son as I possibly can. I dont want the circumstances that he was created in to dictate his life, so I have to rise above them. The babies father called me the other day and again yesterday. He was actually being nice, which was a nice change, but Im not going to put much stock in it. Ive decided that I will never hold his son from him or use the baby against him, but I dont have to put myself in an emotional situation that will cause my heart to crumble again. I just want what is best for my son and thats going to be my main priority and at this point that includes guarding my heart. This is still a scary thing to deal with but im very hopeful at this point.

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