Disgusted with Myself

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  • #24915
    Avatarxworsethanafairytale

    Hi everyone.
    🙂
    I’m Laura and new to this website and forum. Glad I found it I think it’s such a great idea.

    Well this is my story I guess…
    When I was 13, nearly 14, I was raped by a friend of mine. Or so I thought he was a friend. I found out I was pregnant, and at the time I didn’t know what to do so I just went along with the pregnancy until it game to me being six months. I lost my baby. I won’t go into details at the minute as I don’t feel comfortable, but to cut it short, I was beat up.

    Now I’m 18 and a few months before my birthday this January just gone, I found out I was pregnant again. Now that I’m older, there was so much I could think about and really didn’t know what to do or say to the people around me. Especially my parents. At the time, and this is still continuing but not as bad, I was addicited to drugs and drink quite heavily and ever since I lost the first baby I’d been depressed.

    I made the decision to have an abortion. It was right, but it was wrong. Then again I could say it was wrong, but right at the same time. Still drinking and on drugs, I knew I couldn’t look after my baby if I could hardly look after myself well enough. After the abortion for a few weeks, I felt nothing. But now, it’s the worst feeling ever. I know a few people who are pregnant at the minute and I’m very jealous of them. I can’t look at people in the street if they’re carrying a baby with them. I just keep thinking about the ifs and could have beens.

    I kept my scan picture, for a while, until I ripped it up out of anger. I regret doing that, I’ll never see my baby again. I cry myself to sleep at nights and just want to be pregnant again, but I know that’s not right at the moment. I want to be forgiven, by my baby and by God, but I don’t know how to forgivie myself. It’s tough…

    #24932
    Avatarbernardette.x

    hello sweetheart, my name is Bernardette and im 16.

    i also lost my baby to abortion nearly 10 months ago and i go through alot of stuff nearly the same as you.

    im going to say what a lot of girls on here have said to me-

    ‘Your baby and God have forgiven you’

    the hard part i find is beliving they have and forgiving yourself. some people find it easy some people such as myself find it hard. i find it better when i talk to the girls her at SUG about how i am feel and they like sort of guide me through my days- maybe that might help you to.

    you could also see a counsellor if you feel you are ready to, some people dont want to. it sounds like you are still depressed, so maybe talking to a professional or just to the girls here might help you abit.

    i hope a have helped a little bit, well mainly not made you feel on your own. Because that is one thing you are never be, is alone especailly with all the support avaliable here.

    dont be afraid to talk to me if you want to. i come on here nearly everyday so…

    take care sweetie and try and stay strong

    xx

    #24938
    AvatarEvangeline

    Hi Laura,

    I’m so sorry that yr going through all of this, healing can sometimes be a long, painful journey, but it really is possible to learn to forgive yrself and live with the decision you made.

    I too have had an abortion, my daughter would’ve turned 1 last June…and I’m still trying to find new ways if dealing with the decision I made. Some days are easier than others, but on those rough days, I know I have the girls here at SUG to help me through it.
    I know how comforting alcohol can be when it seems that there’s nothing else that can help, but on all honesty… it just keeps complicating things. Have you considered going to rehab for yr addiction? or joining a support program? you really will benifit from proffessional help.

    Also, I must agree with Bernadette about going to see a therapist when yr feeling up to it. Speaking to someone who can remain impartial and give you unbaised and non judgemental advice/ feedback can make a huge difference. Also, they’d be able to prescribe something for yr depression… you can also use something natural like St.Johns wort (but not if yr on the pill).

    You have nothing to be “disgusted” of… yr a girl who mad a mistake and I’m sure that you’ve learned from it, there’s no reason for you to keep on punishing yourself. You’ve been forgiven by God and yr angel in heaven, you just need to begin forgiving yourself and learning to love yrself again.

    Please keep updating us on how yr doing:) and vent when you need to.

    Much love- Evangeline xoxox

    #24944
    AvatarDespret4Advise

    Wow,your story really hit home with me. I just copied & pasted my first blog on this site for you,I had been wondering “what to do” reading your words helped me more than you know. Here is my story:I’m 38 years old & have wanted children my entire life. When I was 16 my parents forced me to have an abortion by my then boyfriend,my boyfriend & I stayed together for 9 years after that,I never got over the self hatred,nightmares still continue & I was left feeling like I never deserved to have a child of my own because of what I Monster I felt like,I stayed on the pill for my entire life,until last August that is. I am currently married to a wonderful & successful man for the past 10 years,he is 21 years older than me & had no real desire for children,which seemed perfect because I never forgave myself,even though I have ached for a child almost my entire life.It is very hard for me to give the details,so please pardon me for leaving them out,but to make a long story short,after leaving my office building in the city I was attacked…raped & beaten in a cold nasty city parking garage,this was January 23rd,09….I lied to the police,I denied being assaulted sexually and said it was a mugging,I couldn’t face the police,an investagation or especially my husband with the shame I was feeling from the rape,so I never had a rape kit done at the hospital & was treated for 3 broken ribs,24 stitches on my buttocks (from broken glass on the ground) & a fractured eye socket. I purchased the “plan B” pill,although I am against abortion personally now,I thought it was the right thing to do. Well,the next month I found out that I was pregnant,you have no idea the happiness & sadness I felt,my husband & I had unprotected sex 2 days in a row prior to my assault,my attacker did use a condom (or so I thought) & with the plan B how could this baby NOT be my husbands? I saw an OBGYN & I called a Plan B hotline,EVERYONE believed that it was impossible for the baby not to be my husbands,with the horror & guilt for not telling my husband the truth,I decided to have a DNA test done,because I am over 35 there are special tests that are done that require drawing fluid from the uterus (this test was called a CVS test,it checked for “age related abnormalities”)using the “age thing” I had my husband take a cheek swab that he belived was for other reasons concerning the babies health ( I don’t know how he didn’t notice the big “DNA” diagonistics wording all over the paperwork, I think he was just distracted by the whole “joy”). I received the DNA results Friday, there is a 0% chance my husband is the Father,the baby that I am carrying belongs to my attacker. I am so in love with this child,I carry my ultrasound pics everywhere,I thought this was a gift from God,but now it feels like a punishment,I am in my 2nd trimester,it is HORRIFIC to terminate a pregnancy at this stage,I have seen this little boy inside me sucking his thumb,moving around,watched his heartbeat,when they had to place the needle in my uterus I watched his heartbeat raise 13 beats from being frightened on the needle for my CVS testing. I know I should have told about the rape, I was to humilated & wanted it to go away,now my husband will think I was unfaithful if I tell him & I will be left alone raising the baby of a rapist…but a baby that I love…will I resent the baby once it is born? I feel like dying can someone PLEASE help me,I feel like I am cursed,every “brilliant decision” I made on my own has created a bigger disaster,please anyone, I need advise….

    #24954
    AvatarMeg11

    Hey there, My name is Meg and I think you need to talk to your husband. It might be a good idea to talk with a rape advocate counselor, you can simply find one through the police station or the hospital. You can talk with the counselor alone for a few sessions and then she could mediate between you and your husband. Especially because of the injuries you sustained there is beyond proof of the attack, I don’t think he will have a hard time believing that you were raped with the severity of the incident. There is nothing wrong with loving your baby, this is YOUR baby after all, despite how he/she was conceived. There is no doubt in my mind that you need to allow this child to live, you will not resent your child. You may have more frequent recalls of what happened to you at first when you see your baby but after a while, and after the bond has been sealed with joy and memories and sweet moments I am sure you will hardly think of your attacker when you hold your warm, soft and fresh baby smelling bundle. If your husband cannot accept this child as a blessing that came through a tragic injustice then it will be hard for you, not impossible but hard. You know what happened and you also know that this child is alive and healthy and can feel. Something funny about my youngest is that she does the same thing I do when I am nervous. I take my thumb and run it back and forth across the tips of my finger nails, she already does is and she is 10 months old, she has been doing it since birth and I bet you that she was doing it in the womb…that means that this child inside of you already has mannerisms and thoughts and is comprehending things….an unborn child is so aware of life and feelings, you know this and you are accountable for knowing this, you cannot take this life without fully knowing what you would be doing….I know you don’t want an abortion and I hope that this confirms that it is not the thing to do with this situation….please, find a rape advocate counselor and begin the process of telling your story and breaking the news to your husband soon so that by the time baby is here things can be settled a little bit….I am here for you along with the rest of the girls on the site….Love Meg, meg@standupgirl.com

    #24958
    AvatarMacky

    Hi, my name is Kristy & I’m 38 years old. Your story has brought me to tears as I can feel your overwhelming sense of pain. I’d like to tell you about an amazing woman, who was also raped and became pregnant through her attacker. She was 18 years old & beaten so badly like you were, by 3 men at night in a park as she was walking home from work. Circumstances kept her from telling anyone about the rape until she found out months later that she was pregnant. When in the hospital in labor, she told the nurse to take her baby out of the room as soon as she gave birth because she had fallen in love with the baby so much & she knew that if she even saw her, she wouldn’t want to let her go. Her family life was a huge mess and she wanted her baby to have a better life then she could ever give her – her love was great! I’m the child that she gave birth to. I was conceived in that rape. Although I’ve never met this woman, I can tell you that I love her with all my heart as she put aside what others might say or think of her and she gave me the chance to life my life. I was adopted into a very loving family and have 2 older brothers. My mom who adopted me will tell you that the woman who gave birth to me is her hero! Without this woman I would never have experienced this wonderful life. I now have 3 children of my own and I know how you fall in love with your baby while in the womb. You feel them hickup, you feel them moving and kicking you. They would always make laugh! Each time I gave birth, I thought of my birth mother who had the same feelings and experiences as I had, and I could only imagine how much she loved me,to go through that and allow me to have my life.
    For many years now, I go into public high schools and I talk about life. I tell the kids what abortion is and I tell them when medical science says a life begins (at conception). Then I tell them about me & that I was conceived in a rape. I am dedicated to using the rest of my life to educate others on life. I had someone tell me that I was a rape survivor. Not the victum, but the child.
    I pray for you! I pray for your husband to be understanding & supportive. Regardless of anything else – you know that your baby is alive & well and you love him or her already with the amazing love that God gives to mothers. You’re not cursed, dear friend – you’re blessed!

    #24978
    Avatarxworsethanafairytale

    Desperate4Advice, I’m glad to hear I could have been of some support for you at the moment.
    I’m truly sorry to hear what you’ve had to go through, no one has to go through anything like this. But trying to regain my faith in God I believe that without suffering, there would be no compassion. I really do hope you get all the compassion you need in this period of your life.

    Reading your story, woah, made me think. Everyone makes mistakes in their lifetime, and I know that things you do may feel like a mistake, but it won’t feel that way forever.

    I wasn’t meant to be online this long, but saw your post and just wanted to say hello and to tell you that you’re not alone. Keep your head held high, and please, feel free to e-mail me if you would like to. I feel talking to others will benefit you right now. 🙂

    Love,
    Laura xo

    #24979
    Avatarhollygirl

    Wow, what an amazing story, thank you for sharing it, it inspires me, your birth mother is a true hero!

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