This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Jessica .
- January 11, 2013 at 1:22 am #28777
Hi..i hope someone here can answer my question :-/ soo my story is..my last period was 20th august til 25th. I was fertile between 30th august and 4th september and realesed my egg 3rd september. I slept wit my partner 26 27 28 and 29 august..then stupidly slept wit an ex 30th august…then slept wit my partner 31st august and 1st 2nd and 3rd september. I am now 20weeks and 3days prefnant bt am.terrified tht my partner is not goin.to b the father. I have researcjed tht i concieved on 3rd september on same day i ovulated so does this mean my partner tht i slept with on tht day and evryday before for 4 days is goun.to b the daddy?? Such a dumb stupid thing to do i noJanuary 11, 2013 at 6:35 pm #28778
Hey there….So there is no way to perfectly know your dates unless you tracked them yourself over a long period of time and even then there are so many variables that can affect our cycles and change our expected dates…..using a tool on the internet can come close but not close enough to 100% accurately tell you that you released your egg on the 3rd…Also, Sperm live anywhere from 5-7 days after released into your body, in truth, at the time you conceived it is possible that you had living sperm from both men inside of your body at the same time…Does your partner know that that there is a chance that he will not be the father? If he doesn’t, would he pose a physical risk of harm to you or the baby if you told him? Unless you believe that he would cause physical harm to you or baby, I think you should break the news to him before the baby is born, this way he can be prepared emotionally to find out if the baby is his or not….The truth is, you did cheat, there are many relationships out there where cheating has occurred and yet the partner was able to forgive the other and move on….I am also aware of situations where the partner cheated, was pregnant by the one cheated with and the partner still forgave and helped raise the child….Honestly the odds of not being forgiven are higher, and understandably so…but he DOES deserve to know the truth…However, not at the expense of risking physical harm to you or baby…if you think he will physically harm you then you will need to tell him in a way that protects you, over the phone, with a supportive person by your side, in a public place etc….I feel for you in this tough situation and I am here for you emotionally….I hope all goes well but you will have to wait until the baby is born and do a test to verify who the father is….Best wishes for you and I truly hope that the baby is your partners…even so, I still encourage you to tell the truth, it will set you free and help you to be more accountable to your partner or future partners to be faithful….Much Love…MegJanuary 11, 2013 at 8:03 pm #28780
Thank u for ur reply. There is absolutly no way i can tell my partner that thebaby may not be his. I no he deserves to no but he wud leave me without waiting to see if baby is his and i no he wud hav ebery right to b angry. If i lose him my world is going to end..i am not goin.to b able to cope with losing him and it gets me in a state jis thinkin of my life without hm. It was a stupid stupid thing to do and i dnt deserbe him. Anyway…i had been trackiny dates since may last year wen i lost a baby so am pretty sure my dates are accurate. I wnt need to do a paternity test after the birth..goin tp be pretty obvious who daddy is as my partner is african…my ex is white 🙁 absolutly terrifiedJanuary 12, 2013 at 11:33 am #28781
I guess that would be a little more obvious to know who the father is based on ethnicity…So do you know what you will do if you find that your ex is the father? Is your partner planning on being in the room with you when you give birth? Once again, You need to be prepared and consider helping him be prepared…if he is there when the baby comes out and the baby is clearly/visually not his it could make for a dangerous situation if he fills with rage….If he has knowledge that there is a chance then at least he would not be completely taken off guard…know what I mean?…..Anyways…I am praying for you to have peace about the right decision for all of you and I am hoping for the best in this whole situation….In the moment things can be too overwhelming…I look back at many things in my life that “I could not live without”….I have lost so many of them and yet here I am…my life better than it has ever been….may I suggest that if you do not believe that your partner could forgive you or deserve your honesty that he may be someone you could live without if he chooses to walk away? I am not here to tell you what to do, but to simply challenge you to dig deep into your heart to think about this further and consider “taking a risk” for the sake of a clean conscious?….Please know I say this with no judgement or condemnation, Had I ended up pregnant at certain seasons of my life I would have been in your same shoes….I spent many years bouncing around from one guy to the next and also had multiple partners in short time periods….I know what you are going through emotionally….I just feel that slowly preparing him for the chance that the baby is not his will possibly deflect possible rage and or violence that could come about by finding out the moment of birth with no warning….I have seen so many news stories about similar things….just protect yourself, your baby and also the doctors and nurses, you have to think of the whole picture here….Also, protect him from instant let down and pain….slowly but truthfully prepare him…I believe it is the safest and most respectful option in this circumstance….Let your fears fade away…if he walks, he walks….you can’t change that, just like you can’t change what you did….you can learn from it, ask forgiveness and hope!….Much Love to you and know that I am here….Love MegJanuary 12, 2013 at 10:20 pm #28783
Thank you so so much for ur kind words. Its great to hear a strangers view on things. I just wish it was as easy as u make it all sound 🙁 i really can not tell my partner abbout this..its not that he would get violent its the fact.that he would without a doubt leave me..and i dnt blame him as if it was the other way round i would do the same..how could i expect hin to bbe fine with it and say?look at it this way..if i tell him now hes goin to leave then if i giv birth and the baby is his he still would not cme bak to me.. I live miles away frm all my family..i will be alone alk for a stupid mistake tht i never needed have told him. I no its goin to b terrible if he usnt the dad bt i no the obvious signs i.e the colourin of my baby wud not b clear for around 3 weeks as is goin to n a mixed race baby so am thinkin seein as i cant afford a prenata paternity i could opt for a normal.dna when baby is born. Only option i feel i have as altho i was the fool to make the mistake i am not willing to lose my man when there is still a higher chance of babt being his. Lets jus hope for mine and the babys sake it turns out ok. And thank u again for ur replies i appreciate itJanuary 13, 2013 at 5:56 pm #28784
Ok, so here’s the deal, in order to even do a paternity test you need HIS dna…in order to know who the father is you WILL have to tell him in order to get his permission to have his dna tested…You need to look at this secret you are keeping as in infection deep in your soul….as long as you keep it in there it will get worse and it will spread…the baby could come out looking just like your partner and you can think that that will erase your unfaithfulness away and that you will now never have to tell him….its just not true, unless you have a dna test you will ALWAYS have a what if in the back of your mind…what if at 3 years old your baby has a rare blood issue and through medical tests you find out your partner is not a donor because he is not his father….looks alone, skin color alone is NOT going to tell you who the father is and until you are honest with him about cheating, it will haunt you and hang over your head….you will be more and more paranoid, what if the ex knows you are pregnant and he thinks the baby looks like him and he starts talking, etc….until you have 100% proof you will always have to look over your shoulder, trying to keep your tracks covered and living like that, and becoming the secretive sneaky person you will need to be to keep this secret, that alone could drive your partner away and cause him to not trust you….so long as you keep this from him, you will NOT have peace in your heart….the sad consequence may be that he leaves you….that is true…I am sorry if I made your situation sound easy, I KNOW it is not and my intent has not been to make it sound like a piece of cake…but this I DO know…THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS SET YOU FREE….until you tell him it will be like a chain tangled around you….you will not be free, it will eat you alive over time, just like an infection….this needs to be opened up like an infected wound, cleaned out, confessed, and then you need to heal…whether the healing included his forgiveness or not….until you take care of the secret, it will plague you….I have had many secrets in my time….there is only one thing that I felt guilty about that I never told my mom before she died….all the terrible things I did behind her back, all the deception and lies I told her, the people I associated with that she had told me not to, etc…the list goes on and on….My mom has been gone for 11 years now and the only thing that still bugs me is that I never confessed that one incident to her….I stayed over at a guys house the night before Mothers day, she HATED him, could NOT stand him…LOATHED HIM….I slept with him just because it was a rebellious thing I could do that she wouldn’t know about….I slept in longer than I should have and stole some red rhododendrons for her on my way home, that way if she was awake I could make it look like I had gotten up early to go get her a mothers day gift….She woke up to me placing them on her deck outside of her sliding glass door….she praised me and was so happy, she felt so special that I would get up early and surprise her like that….It made me feel sick inside that I allowed her to believe it, even until her death….even now that she is gone I am still so disgusted with myself for that, my mom was not an honest person, she was the one who taught me to be so sick and deceptive, but it still felt wrong to pull the wool over her eyes like that….it still does…2 nights before my mom died we had it out really good, I called her out on some lies she told me and she admitted them…she said, What and you are so perfect?….I had the opportunity to admit my ugly secret in that moment and I didn’t…something I regretted from the moment I found her dead body….she had taken her own life….I was 3 months pregnant (not by the one guy though, a different guy she hated)…I had no one either and I was a single mom for 4 1/2 years…I did a good job, learned a lot of hard lessons but I made it and I am here today to tell you that you can too….but you have to give yourself a clean slate at some point, forgive yourself….face consequences….pretty deep and totally different circumstances, but keeping a shameful secret is the same across the board…it will eat you up and rob you of the enjoyment in your relationship with your partner…the very thing you are doing to “protect” your relationship could very well be the thing that DOES destroy it….I care deeply for you, I KNOW this is not easy…but most of the time, the right thing to do is hard…Praying for you…Love MegJanuary 13, 2013 at 5:58 pm #28785
PS…You are the FIRST and ONLY person I recall telling this story too (about the guy the night before mothers day)…I suppose I feel a lot better inside…just the first step in cleansing out my old wounds and healing….I would never ask you to do something that I am not willing to do myself <3 MegSeptember 21, 2016 at 7:55 pm #29140
I’m pretty sure that I’ve already has recommended such a decision on this forum, but we are not about it.
You can’t count exactly the day you conceived. And I doubt somebody can. So the only right decision is to take dna paternity testing https://dnasu.com/services/paternity-test/ If you need to know the truth now, you can take non-invasive prenatal testing (and your partner will be involved), or usual paternity testing (after baby is born). If you don’t want to tell partner about your doubts, choose dna in home test kit. Probability your ex to be a father is rather low. Try to relax.
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