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February 11, 2008 at 1:01 am #20392lifeandmusic8975
Ok, So about a month ago my boyfriend and I lost our place and so we have been living with his sister in her 2 bedroom apartment. There are several people living there, me, my boyfriend, his sister, and her two kids. We sleep on the floor in the living room on a blow up mattress. I HATE IT THERE. All I hear from his sister is how my family is crappy because they smoke and all this other bullcrap. Needless to say I dont get to see my family very much because when my boyfriend is around his family he tends to act just like them. And when i want to go visit my family everyone makes it this big deal like I am killing someone or something. They act like because my family has made some mistakes in the past that I should just completely write them off and stop talking to them. Well my boyfriend obviously doesnt mind living there and I am miserable and depressed. He doesn’t have a job right now and supposedly he is going to get one on monday but we’ll see. And I am too far along in my pregnancy to where no one will hire me. I love my boyfriend and I dont want to leave him but I don’t think that he is gonna want to leave anytime soon. And I really don’t want to have my baby and live there because of the way his sister is. She thinks she knows everything, she is always saying dont eat that, or dont drink that thats not good for the baby. ITS SO FRUSTRATING!! Because I know that when the baby comes she will be breathing down my throat. I AM MY CHILDS MOTHER!!! My baby doesn’t need 2 moms. I don’t want her advice because its not advice its her pushing stuff down my throat. If i want or need advice I will ask, and I will certainly not ask her, it would be MY mom. And if I chose to leave my boyfriend the only place I have to go is my moms, and I wouldn’t be able to get a job until probably about late april early may because the baby is due in early april. But I am so scared that my boyfriend will try to get custody of my baby because number 1 my mom and brother smoke, number 2 my brother drinks, and number three my mother has a lot of animals. So they would have a lot of things against me because my boyfriends family goes to church every sunday, doesnt smoke, doesnt drink, and doesnt have any animals. And all I can think of is WHAT IF he gets custody. That sister of his would be taking care of my baby and taking my place as MOMMY!! That would absolutely tear me up. So I dont know what to do. Should I leave him and take that chance, or should I stay and be miserable and unhappy? I just want to do whats best for my baby and me and I am just not sure of what that is right now. 🙁February 12, 2008 at 12:01 am #20397Meg11
I know how it feels to have someone else push their thoughts, opinions, beliefs, expectations down your throat….I guess that is why when I share I try to do it in a way of suggesting with no expectation…we all need to make our own choices, we will have successes and failures but we will survive and learn form the things that didn’t turn out so well…it is not her job to tell you how to eat or what to drink or how to prepare for your baby, offering advice could be second nature especially if she has kids, we all do that here on Standupgirl too…once you have kids you naturally want to share what you know with someone who has not bee there yet, but she still needs to respect you and offer encouragement in a nice and helpful manner…I am on a middle/neutral ground here so I want you to just hear me out before you make a judgment call on me…I used to HATE people that went to church, they made me feel judged and looked down on and when I was pregnant with my daughter I would purposely dress in a way that would offend churchgoers..LOL…I would have my huge unwed belly hanging out for the world to see and I have a huge fairy tattoo on it…LOL…I wanted to give them a reason to give me the looks I got…however I did stop smoking and drinking and all the rest and I assume you have too, if not then that was your choice whether healthy or not and you will have to deal with that and no one else has to judge you for it…just because your family smokes or drinks doesn’t make them bad people, but you do need to look out for your baby’s health once he/she is born…my sons dad just recently stopped smoking, I am glad, my son would come home smelling like smoke and cough for like 3 solid days, it is not good for his lungs, when he is old enough to choose whether he smokes or not then that is his deal but until then I would rather not have him exposed to smoke…did I judge his dad…no…but I also didn’t like him smoking around our son…same with the drinking…more of a safety issue, is he going to be in a car with a drunk driver or get dropped or be in a house with a drug raid??? It is very hard having a child with someone who sees things different than you…it doesn’t mean one parent is better than the other it just means you see out of different eyes….this is your child and his sister should back off but when you are living there it gives her "claim" (in her own eyes) to boss you around, and or she is trying to teach you or encourage you in a way that is offensive rather than helpful…Your boyfriend needs a job, that is for sure but in the meantime have you applied for WIC, or food stamps, have you checked out maternity homes or womens shelters?? There is a ton of help out there, and also for you to set your mind at ease…99% of the time they will not take the baby from the mom, they don’t like to do that…the court normally doesn’t look at moral issues, it is not illegal to smoke or drink or have too many animals in a house with a child…if there is abuse or neglect or repettative illness as a result then issues will come up but as long as you are doing your best and the only housing option you have is with your family who smokes and drinks and had a few pets then the court normally will not take the child away from the mom…now the thing you have to consider is do you want to expose your child to those living conditions, you are looking at possible athsma or other breathing problems, are they willing to smoke outside?? Will you have a room of your own that you can keep clean of animal hair?? You can choose to live differently then the people you live with….I hate hearing of "churchgoing" people who like to judge and tear down and slander those who are not "clean, sober, smoke free, etc…" the reason is because it was those kind of "churchgoers" that kept me out of church for so long…I finally met some true believers, not just people who go to church and point out others faults…they helped me understand that not all people who go to church are Christians…going to the garage doesn’t make you a car either, going to Burger King doesn’t make you a Whopper…Don’t let this sister push you away from the One who will never judge you, don’t let her ruin the good names of many "churchgoers" who are there to love and help and encourage in a helpful way…you would be surprised how well you would be received in a good church and how nice it is to have a place to go to feel free form the problems in life like this sister is creating for you…just because someone goes to church doesn’t mean the court will let them take your baby…and it is an absolute shame and disgrace to the rest of us who do go to church to hear of a cold woman like this who is hindering you from the good things that God wants for you and to put you down in order to make herself feel better…you don’t need someone like that in your life and if your boyfriend can’t deal with that then you need to move on and do what is best for you and baby…even if that means living in a house where people smoke for a couple of months…like I said it is not physically healthy but sometimes it is better to be emotionally and spiritually healthy then to have a physically good environment…I am here to talk anytime without pointing a finger…I would have 3 pointing back at me anyways and this sister needs to realize that too…please look up maternity homes near you or call a womens shelter, they can be a great place to start fresh, but make sure you find the right one…Love Meg.. email@example.comFebruary 12, 2008 at 12:24 am #20398Anonymous
firstly your boyfriends sister has no right to interfere, like you said its your baby and its down to you to decide what is best for your baby not her.
secondly if you would be happier at your mums then thats where you should be. so your family members smoke, drink and have animals, as long as your baby is not in any physical harm he has nothing to hold against you.
just do what you feel best and dont let people push you into being somewhere or doing something you dont want!March 6, 2008 at 8:42 pm #20564jaqs_18
First off there are alot of programs that can assist you if you are willing to get a place on your own, you can get paid for living arangements, food, clothing, and protection for your baby. Second,in regards to your family, I think its just a security, your boyfriends family may be scared that you may leave them for your family leaving them in the gutter in regards to your baby. Grandparents are very possesive of there little ones, and of course they cant help but worry if there going to see the baby enough. Personally i would spend time with both of them, let your mother know how you feel about her smoking. I have two roomates that i live with and they both constantly smoke in the house, i just sat them down and told them that i cant be around that, and if they want they can smoke when im not there but they need to ensure that there is no trace of it in the house. Also, in regards to your mother, take it from some one who lost hers, you need to spend time with her despite your differences she gave birth to you, youll be suprised in what she can help you with.March 28, 2008 at 5:24 pm #20785winterishrain
Hi, in my experience in custody battles, courts prefer to have joint custody or give custody to the mother. If you family drinks and smokes and their all of age, and not abusive and/or getting into troulbe with the law becuase of it, their adults doing what some adults choose to do and it isn’t a reflection on your skills as a mother. And, the court, if you can prove that living with your mother is only temporary, will take that into consideration. I had a good guy freind fighting for custody, and he’s a great father, and the mother is not unfit but by no means a great mother, and the courts only gave him visitation rights, although he was obviously the better parent. I’m not saying that this happens all the time, but the rumor is that the courts tend to side with the birth mother in custody battles if it can’t be proven that she is unfit. Many law schools give free legal advice so the students can practice, so look up law schools in your area and see if they have a clinic or service. Maybe just sit down and have a serious and adult convo with your bf and explain that although you want him in your life and the baby’s you don’t feel like its in your or your baby’s best interest to stay, stress on you affects pregnancy. If you do go back home, ask your family if they’d be willing to comprimise, or make small changes on their habits, like smoking near a window, on a porch if it’s a nice day, not in the room where you are sleeping, ect for your health and your baby’s. If not, you can do things, like keep a window open as you sleep, get outside as much as possible, get a few things that claim to take the smoke out of the air, ect. anyway, hope this helps.June 21, 2008 at 9:32 am #21496ashbabe
i think if your unhappy you should move out or talk to you boyfriend about it all get your feelings out.
and his sister shouldnt be telling you what you can and cannot eat and what you can and cannot do while your pregnant. My best friends bf is doing that to me now and ive asked my doctor and she said i can eat anything i want as long as theres no caffeine in it and i can drink anything with no caffeine or alcohol in it. So dont listen to your bf’s sister. its unfair for you to have to go through that. Another thing is his sister isnt being respectful to you if she’s belittling your family infront of you. That’s cruel and your bf should be sticking up for you. You only have one family and one mother. So you should try and talk to your boyfriend and if that doesnt work try and get out of there because im sure stress isnt good for you or your child i hope it works out!!July 31, 2008 at 9:38 am #21777Anonymous
I kinda have the same problem but im 15 and my bf is 18 .
The truth is its her house and u have to go by her rules.
Your baby is not born so it is all talk familys are like that.
My bf family hates me cuz "I ruined his life" and they are very disrespectful but i have to deal with it so when my baby is born it has a roof over its head The thing is Now ur pregnant its not about what u want. Get on Wik Hud They will help.
If it’s your bfs child tell him u dont want ur babyu growing up in this environment and if he doesnt want to stand up
scare him stay at a friends
just being honest
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