always the what ifs.

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    i’m nineteen years old, in under a month i will be twenty.
    when i was sixteen years old, i had an abortion.
    who is to judge my strength? i feel such remorse for my action, my choices, the pressure i let myself feel.
    i’ve never been open about this subject. i feel more ashamed than anything, a coward.
    but i stand strong, proud of what i have accomplished. i’m thankful for the praise i receive, to hear the words “proud of you.” but i have no pride. i have no real ambition but the heaviness in my heart that i have hidden so well.
    looking back on it, the decision i made was the right one. that wrong decision, was right. i haven’t considered on standing pro choice or pro life. considering i believe in the choice, that is where i fall. but the personal emotional battle i felt, i’d give warning for anyone who makes the decision.
    i’m beating around the push. i’m not sure how else to tell my story but tell around it.
    i felt as if i had my abortion for all the wrong reasons. i am healthy. i am capable. i was willing. but i was young. i let others ‘decide’ my rights, and today i still hold anger as if i never made that final decision.
    i wasn’t sure how i knew, but i knew. i never even took a pregnancy test before knowing, i knew. i felt it. i told my boyfriend, without knowing for sure- i knew, i felt. i was one hundred percent sure. i remember writing letters to my grandmother (the woman who raised me) unsure how i should eventually tell her. without much discussion, she knew. one day i came home and she has found the letters, had a test ready for me to take. it came out positive. that day i felt as if everything had already been planned for me. a date was set to go into the clinic. sitting in the living room, trying to battle my way though it. so quiet. what didn’t i speak up? there had to be another solution. the boy and i scared, how i wish we would have spoke up sooner. “getting rid of it” was never a solution.
    on the day of the abortion i prayed for a voice, for inner strength. i envisioned myself going into the clinic, the nurses asking me if i was sure. they never did. as if it were their job, they never asked if i was sure, but the held my hand. is it possible they have seen the same look in every girl’s eyes? that silent desperation? had they grown immune to sympathy, that thin line of their job’s reality? to those who say the procedure is painless, just some slight cramping… not for me. i felt pain, perhaps i focused on the pain because i felt as if i deserved to feel it. laying there, squeezing the hand of the nurse who never questioned- i cried. i felt that pull of separation, that emptiness, lost and alone. today i still categorize myself as a murderer. leaving me in the room to get dressed, i touched the blood that was there- as if it were to bring me any closer. as if i could gain something from it.
    sitting in the recovery room, there was a girl beside me. she seemed at total ease. i think about her often, and wonder if she made the right decision.
    sharing my story will not change the way i feel. in some way i am reaching out. in some way i am looking for the approval that it is okay.
    i keep asking for forgiveness.
    but i haven’t forgiven myself.

    i admire all of you that stand strong, and i hope that one day when i hold my first born in my arms that i will fully understand what it is to love, to honor, and to cherish.

    i am not looking back in regret, but i still wish i could give anything to change the decision i had made. i fully believe my future will be bright, i surround myself in people that love me and i love in return. perhaps if i continue to do good, we will meet again on judgment day.

    thank you.


    I am so sorry for your pain. Even though you are ‘not looking back in regret’, I know that you feel your loss very deeply.
    Look, just ‘doing good’ will not be enough. You CANNOT ‘do good’ yourself. Only Jesus can work good in you. He is the only way that you will ever be able to go to heaven when you die to hopefully be with your baby.
    I am glad that you are not closing yourself off from love and life, but closing yourself off from forgiveness is almost the same thing. You can’t possibly enjoy life when you have catagorized yourself as a murderer… and yet you can’t ever be free from that until you realize that it was you (just like it was me) that caused Jesus to hang on the cross. And if He can forgive you from that and let you live free from the hurt of that, He can set you free from your baby’s death.
    We are the same age. I want you to know that I do not judge you for your abortion. but in reading your story I know that you judge yourself. The beautiful thing is that when you are living your life with Jesus’s forgiveness, God will look at you and He won’t see your sins, your guilt, or your abortion. He will see Jesus’ pureness and forgiveness.
    I wish you the best, and I really hope that this helped you somehow.


    Silent No More!!

    You’re sharing an extremely painful and emotional part of your life, and I want to thank you. Your sorrow for the loss of your baby to abortion can save the lives of many other babies who are in their mothers wombs right now. Using the energy from your pain and giving voice to that loss can be a healing medicine that you cannot get in the doctors office.

    I know that silent walk to the room where strangers waited to end my babies life and ‘make everything go back to the way it use to be’. Where their effort at comforting me with their touch and half smiles, gave no warmth to my soul which recognized the silent cry from my body. My mind had no concept of what was being taken from me. In my young mind, I just wanted to keep my boyfriend. This was how it was to be done….atleast no one was offering any other solution. What was it that I was asking these strangers to do for me and my boyfriend that I loved so deeply?

    I grew up watching everyone who was ever in a committed marriage, including my parents and my boyfriend’s parents, divorce and remarry. I was never taught that there was value in a loving relationship even if children are involved. People will love you and leave you and if you want to survive, you’d better do whatever you can to get what you want……..we’re intitled afterall!!!

    I wanted my boyfriend to love me after our choice and stay with me. It was our decision together while we held onto our long distance relationship. He was worried for me and compassionate, and felt I was in good hands. My cousin’s girlfriend, whom I lived with at the time, was my closest family member that day. She herself was just recently recovering from her 3rd abortion. (all of them were my cousins babies) I cannot even remember her face to this day…..just her cold voice of reassurance that everything would be ok and that she’d be there when I was finished.

    There is a cold, faceless, grey silence to that day that I cannot bring into focus. It could be the mirror image of what remains inside my soul. The absence that I will never embrace until I gain the right to heaven. I will not presume that anything I do in this lifetime will merit my entrance into the place where my baby waits for me….I can only pray that God will hear my sorrow and see inside my heart. I pray that He knows how young, and scared I was and understands my confusion at that age of 18.

    You don’t have to feel shame or cowardess for what you didn’t know…….please hear me when I tell you that. Let this be a beginning of your healing and forgiveness. You do not have to continue to walk in darkness with this guilt. You were also a victim and for you to come out of the darkness, you will have to let go of attacking yourself. If I could walk with you now, I would put my arms around you tell you that you are not alone. You are loved and I know where you are. Do not be afraid of the journey ahead of you because there is peace at the end. This is a time when you are weak and cannot see the light, but I ask you to let us carry you awhile until you find your way. It will get easier I promise you, eventually the burden will ease and you will find yourself again.

    My boyfriend came for me and we married a month later. As I share this with you, I look at the pictures of my seven other beautiful children and a photo of my husband & I celebrating our 22 Anniversary. We have grieved for the loss of our baby for many years, and look into the eyes of our other children and understand only now…..what the true reward in life is. Giving our soul, our life and our love to oneanother and our children.

    Please keep in touch with this site and continue to share your feelings. We are here to support you and in turn you may be able to help another young girl.

    much love and peace,

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