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I Did It- Adoption 19 mos. later

  • julia
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11 years 10 months ago #1 by julia
julia replied the topic: i placed my daughter up for adoption
hi, i am 16 years old, and 3 weeks ago i did the hardest thing i will ever do. i placed my beautiful daughter up for adoption. me and her father, (we are still together, and getting married soon) were in perfect agreement and had both decided from the beginning that we wanted to adopt out. i was adopted myself, and agreed it would suit her best. it was the hardest thing i will ever do, i have never cried so hard in my life. the adoption plan is very open, and i have a wonderful relationship with my daughter's parents, so i will be seeing her often. i feel that i made the right decision, and i am very proud of myself. adoption was NOT easy, but i am not parent material, and neither is the father. i am not a fan of abortion and never considerd it at all. i feel that if you are not ready to parent, and are also not ready to parent, adoption is a wonderful, blessing option. thank you for reading.

julia

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  • Faith
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11 years 10 months ago #2 by Faith
Faith replied the topic: Open Adoption?
Sometimes it is possible to have an open adoption...and with the right couple you can find a suitable relationship for your parents, his parents, yourself and your boyfriend within the adoption. Unfortunately open adoption has really only had it's major milestones within the past 10 years, so it's not widely publicized or accepted yet. However, there are agencies that specialize in open adoption-I would reccomend that.

Here's some advice for you as you decide what to do:
1. Be a mom too. You can't do that after an adoption is finalized, but while you're pregnant and for those few days in the hospital be your baby's mom. Keep visitors away at the hospital and enjoy precious time.

2. Find an agency right away! It sounds like you're looking for a fully open adoption where you can get adoptive parents who will also accept extended family into the relationship. There are lots of Christian agencies out there...be sure to ask them specifically if they do FULLY open adoptions. Sometimes they can be misleading...I was almost mislead! I also found a Baptist NON-PROFIT agency to go through in my home state...and I wouldn't have done it differently. Non-profit meant they weren't looking for a baby to \"sell\", the adoptive parents were of the same faith as I was and we were all in the same general area (which makes having an open relationship much easier).

3. Get counseling at the agency regularly. A good agency will help you explore your options of parenting and adoption. Having an agency that does only fully open adoptions will help you realistically decide what is right for you in the way of the amount of contact, etc.

4. When your pre-placement counseling is drawing to an end you'll be asked perhaps to sift through parent profiles or a book. Before you do it have a list or a mental image of who you want your baby's parents to be. I had an impossible list....and to my amazement only one couple in the book matched all my criteria. They lived close, had similar beliefs, couldn't have children of their own...etc etc etc...you'll find the perfect parents...just know what you're looking for.

5. Spend as much time as possible before placement with your adoptive parents. They'll be trying to impress you the whole time, but just encourage them to act natural..get to know them, become friends. It's good to have trust before the baby is born and things get crazy. Don't forget to take time just for yourself to be mom...and, I know this sounds selfish...don't share everything. I regret sharing some of the things that could have been just for me and my daughter...only because they were so few, but I'm glad that I got to share other parts of my pregnancy with them, like ultrasounds and most of my labor.

6. You can decide whenever you want to. It might be easier to have decided before you have your baby, but I don't know. I didn't have the option of deciding beforehand...the birthfather didn't sign his relinquishment until a week or so before she was born and I was extremely ambivelent about the whole thing for the whole pregnancy (as I planned for 2 outcomes). Just keep in mind...the laws in your state might say you have to wait 48 hours before signing the relinquishment forms...but that doesn't mean you can't do it in 3 days. Take your time, think and pray about it. It is the hardest decision you'll ever make and it can't be reversed. It's worth the extra time, trust me. I didn't know (or realize) that until afterwards.

7. Be mom while you can. If you choose to place you'll be glad you did. If you don't then you'll already be doing what you should be. :o)

Don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions. I strongly suggest open adoption to anyone. You can always taper off contact if it isn't right for you as a birthparent but it is virtually impossible to open up an adoption and start contact once you've placed in a closed one. In most states it isn't really even legal (to an extent). Open adoptions can be tailored to fit anyone- it's a new and extremely healthy type of adoption for the children and adults alike- so lets take advantage of it!

And that other birthmom is right. The pain never goes away after placing a baby. It gets a little better every day, but some days are just like that first moment you watched your baby get strapped into someone else's carseat and drive away. It's the truth, don't go in expecting roses...cause you have to get past the thorns first...and the scars will always, always be there. At least with an open adoption you can have some sense of relief watching your child thrive in a situation you might not have been able to provide at the time...and your baby will know you...but it's still hard.

I applaud all the birthmothers of the closed system, their strength, faith and hope.

I encourage all future birthparents to invest their time in an open adoption-it's worth the work.

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  • webweave
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11 years 10 months ago #3 by webweave
webweave replied the topic: 24 years in open adoption relationship
hello all,

The decision to parent or to make an adoption plan has got to be one of the most difficult decisions one can make. No matter which way you decide to go, there will be difficulties as well as joys. It is so important to get as much information as you can and to get a group of people around you who can support you no matter what you decide.

We have 3 open adoption relationships with our children. Each situation has been different, but we have relationships with the birth grandparents as well as the birthmothers, one birth father and siblings, cousins, etc. Our middle son also has a full birthsister. He is graduating high school next week and his birth sister, birth grandfather, birthmom will join all of our family to celebrate.

It has also been my observation that the grandparents have a more difficult time than anyone else with adoption (don't know why). It is helpful to know that openness does not remove the pain of adoption and also to acknowledge that openness adds to the joy, creating a richness that we have found to be absolutely wonderful!

If you decide to do an open adoption, make sure you interview families and make sure everyone is clear about what kind of relationship you want for now and for the future.

All my best,
Sandra Lenington
http://www.adopting.org<br><br>Post edited by: pharmon, at: 2005/06/06 02:31

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  • jos
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11 years 10 months ago #4 by jos
jos replied the topic: Re:I Did It- Adoption 19 mos. later
Dear Amy

I hate to say it but the decision is ultimately yours in regard to the baby. You have a long life ahead and what if the boyfriend and you break up or parents pass away? You will be left looking after the child. It's yours and his life especially when you are still so young. I was your age when I got pregnant and friends turned against me etc when I made my own decision. I decided that I wanted a better life for myself and in the process give my baby a life that I could not give him (a stable relationship, money etc). I met the adoptive parents and have minimal contact and it's up to my son to look me up when he's older if he wishes.

It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination. You have to grieve and try and get on but it does get easier.

Take some time out and think about it. When you have made your decision stick to it. When you deliver the baby it's easier if you have no doubts. Not saying that it's easy but you have to love that baby enough to do what is right and best for it.

I can safety say that I did the right think and for whatever reasons, I'm proud of myself for having the courage to give a little soul a good life.

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  • jos
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11 years 10 months ago #5 by jos
jos replied the topic: Re:I Did It- Adoption 19 mos. later
Have to say that I think it was the hardest thing I ever did. It has been 15 years and it still hurts. Not all mothers that put their child up are lucky enough to be able to see them.

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  • Amy
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11 years 10 months ago #6 by Amy
Amy replied the topic: Re:I Did It- Adoption 19 mos. later
I am 19 years old and just found out 24 hours ago that i am for sure pregnant. My boyfriend loves me, and wants to stay by me through it. We have decided, though, that we should look at adoption so that we can stay in school and so the baby will have two parents around to ensure that it is provided for in every way. However, his mom is threatening to cut him off from their family if we give the baby up- leaving him homeless, carless, and jobless. :ermm: She said she just wants to be able to see her grandchild... does open adoption include the family of the baby or just the parents? If it is an option it would solve at least a few problems! thanks for posting, you have really made a difference.

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