silver crossWhy did I not listen to my friend who told me how if I got the abortion my child would never find out their favorite flavor of ice cream? Why did I think it was “OK” to take the abortion pill because at least the baby wasn’t going to be pulled into pieces. At least I wouldn’t be that far along. I prayed to God to give me guidance, but I went to the clinic anyway. My sister told me, “God does not want fro you to go through this again. God does not want you to have another child with an uninvolved father. God wants more for your life than that.”

I really don’t understand it all. One week I am making Pro-Life little videos of my daughter whom I almost aborted, watching the pieces of aborted babies on pro-life websites, and posting on StandUpGirl about how much my kids have been worth all the difficulties of life as a single mommy.

Then weeks later I see that positive pregnancy test, and end up getting an abortion anyway. How did this happen? Why didn’t I have the courage to visit StandUpGirl, tell all my guestbook that I was pregnant, and get their support. Why did I not listen to my friend who told me how if I got the abortion my child would never find out their favorite flavor of ice cream? Why did I think it was “OK” to take the abortion pill because at least the baby wasn’t going to be pulled into pieces. At least I wouldn’t be that far along. I prayed to God to give me guidance, but I went to the clinic anyway. My sister told me, “God does not want fro you to go through this again. God does not want you to have another child with an uninvolved father. God wants more for your life than that.”

Then a week after the abortion, when I told her I felt like the pet gerbil we had when we were kids that ate it’s own babies, she replied, “You seriously need to get some counseling. Is this becaus of YOUR RELIGION THING?”

My religion thing!!!!!!!!

That same religion thing she used to convince me the abortion was for the best. You mean THAT RELIGION THING?

I just don’t understand what happened. I must have been in shock. Maybe delirious. Maybe I was overcome by some sort of hormonal psychosis. I just don’t understand it. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know how I could do something like this. I don’t know why i turned my back on everything I had felt so strongly about.

I think I thought I was “betrayed” – I mean here I was on the pill for 4 years, never getting pregnant, having stood up for my other two children and walked out the abortion clinic when I was pregnant with my second child. And then God hands me this – another unplanned pregnancy, even though I was on the pill. I thought, “Haven’t I done enough? Haven’t I sacrificed enough?” And I won’t deny it – the thought entered my head that I was still angry with God for “giving my son Autism”. Something I thought I had already dealth with. I thought, “What now God? Is this child going to have Autism too? I am at the end of my rope as it is!”

Yes, that was the conversation. That was the conversation I had many times. That anger all turned on God for choices I had made of my own free will. That hatred. I was so angry this happened to me – again. I was so angry that my life had ended up this way. It was hard enough just getting through the day as it is.

I thought “NO ONE understands what I have been through. I can’t take anymore. Their father’s have abandonded my children. They got to run off and do whatever they wanted. And here I am left to raise these kid myself.” It was my turn to do something to take control of my life.

I cannot believe how much my life is out of control since the abortion 5 weeks ago. It has shattered my worl dinto a million pieces. It has made me literally sob on the floor. I cannot believe I thought this would help me take control of my life. My son’s Autism is NOTHING now – at least he is alive! I get to look at his smile everyday, hear him sy his vocal tic “sure” every 15 seconds of every day, and it is like music to my ears now. I don’t care if my child would have been mentally retarded or deformed or in a wheelchair and diapers the rest of its life – it would have had life. I would have had life in my life instead of death. I have never experienced death of anyone I was close to. I never knew what the pain was like. I can’t believe I was angry with God for all of this. I should have been angry with myself. I am not the person I have tried to be. i was acting the part, but I didn’t believe it all the way to my soul. I WANTED to be a good Christian, I wanted God in my life, I wanted to go to church. I liked singing KLOVE songs with my kids on the radio. But at the end of the day, it took one big mistake for me to turn my back on it all. Behind the closed doors, the wanting toe be a certain kind of person fell away to the person I really am. I have been struggling, weak, and lost. I have been questioning my faith. I have been questioning what is “right”.

I still don’t have all the answers, but I do know that God has helped me get up and feed the kids breakfast. I know God has helped my heart keep beating when it feels like it could just stop from the pain. I know I have never truly believed so deeply in an afterlife as I do now. I know I have never felt so aware of people’s spirits as I do since I saw that little embro in my hand, since I knew it’s spirit was gone. It is one thing to watch the little pro-life movies. It is another when you have to look at inches away from your face.

That’s all I know right now. I am still scared, still struggling, and still feel pretty lost sometimes. But I know I would not be functioning without knowing God’s forgiveness. REal forgiveness which i am finally getting through my thick head has nothing to do with PEOPLE. It has nothing to do with me raising my hand over someone groveling at my feet and saying “I forgive you”. It is from God. It is God helping you forgive the person, not you. Just like God has forgiven me. Just like God is helping forgive myself, and others in my life. It has nothing to do with me “deciding” to forgive someone – I had to ask for it from God. I don’t think a person can forgive someone on their own anymore. I could never forgive myself if it weren’t through God. I still haven’t forgiven myself, but I know it is coming. I know I am still living and that i still have a chance to get things right and get myself together. I know that going to church or singing the songs, or saying the prayers are not enough – I know about my own spirit now. That I need a spiritual transformation. And I know it is going to be really hard. Most of all I wish it didn’t have to take something like this abortion to make me realize all of this.

The hardest thing is the Why? I keep asking it over and over in my head – Why? I can’t even remember most of my “good valid reasons” for the abortion. Even if I do remember one, it seems so totally insignifficant. I don’t think I will ever fully understand why I did this. I really don’t. I am not the “kind of person” that has an abortion. But I did. I can still see it in my eyes – they look different to me. That expression about “not being able to look in the mirror” at yourself – well, I understand what it means now. It’s something in the eyes. I can’t look at my own eyes anymore without glancing quickly away. There is a pain in them now, and I know it isn’t because I am being “overly emotional” or “melodramatic”. I didn’t ask for all of these feelings. In fact I thought I would be just fine with the abortion pill. I don’t keep bringing up my abortion to the few people in my life who know about it because I want attention or something – I keep bringing it up because it really is all I can think about. In fact some days I think i will drive myself crazy.