Dear Becky,

On the 18th of August I found out that I was 4-5 weeks pregnant. The father of my baby was my best friend and was already in a relationship with another girl, who is also pregnant and due in September. After we found out, I immediately told my parents (which I now feel was a huge mistake). My dad was very accepting and supportive as he always is. My mom reacted in a calm manner, but felt that I shouldn't go through with my pregnancy and my best friends mother felt the same.

They pushed me to make a decision very quickly, and i was made to feel that I was incapable of raising a child on my own... as this went on, i grew more and more confused everyday, but i knew that I had to make a decision.

They promised that they would support me if I went through with the abortion and I felt that they would, surely for a week and then everyone would go on with their lives and i would be left to live with the fact that i had, had an abortion.

After a couple of days I convinced myself that doing what my mum said would be best because she knew what it was to raise children as a single parent. So i decided to have an abortion, despite the fact that i felt that I could be a mother (i sometimes got excited).

On the 26th August I went in to the clinic with my mum. The wait was long, but I was okay because I had convinced myself that what i was doing was right for me. As I the nurse did my ultrasound, i saw this tiny little  thing on the monitor and I knew that, that was my little baby. It's size  was 1,73cm and I was 5 weeks and a day...
 
I went in to have the abortion and when i woke up from the procedure, I had so much pain, and I knew that it wasn't just physical... it was far more than that, but I didnt say anything.

When I got home, I just focused on healing and felt absolutly nothing about what I had done. I felt okay for 2 days afterwards. On the 3rd day, I started feeling alone and so empty.

I had promised my mum that whatever I felt, I would tell her. But i somehow feel that i can't because I don't think she would  understand the pain i feel emotionally.
 
I'm afraid to look at at baby products in stores, on brochures, on the  television... I would quickly turn and hide from the way I feel.
 
I now know that I should have listened to the inner me and kept my baby.  But I realise that it's to late and I don't know how to live with  that. As I bleed everyday since then, I feel more and more hurt, and angry with myself, my family, my best friend and my dad. I just wish my dad had done  more to convince me... I had gotten his email to late, had i got before my procedure I don't think I would have gone through with my abortion...
 
It's so hard to live, knowing that I was too selfish to give my child life...

Yours Sincerely
Lyndall (South Africa)

Dear Lyndall,

I'm Julie from standupgirl.com.  I'm so sorry to hear the pain in your heart!  I know you are angry with yourself, and feel despair.  Did you know that many women who have had abortions feel the same way?  It is  called post-abortion syndrome, and is pretty common.  I don't say that to make you feel it is no big deal - it is.  I just want you know you aren't alone in this experience.

I haven't had an abortion, but friends have.  And they tell me that a support group was a big part of their healing process.  I don't know if there are groups in South Africa, but I assume there are.  You can get more information  about post-abortion syndrome and recovery from http://www.abortionrecoverydirectory.org and http://www.ramahinternational.org.

Hang in there!

love,
julie
julie@standupgirl.com

Comments (27)

Show/Hide comments

Michellle says...
written by Michellle , September 10, 2008

I am a South African. I came across your letter to Becky. If you need anything please contact me

nadza says...
written by nadza , September 12, 2008

hey im south african too.... im sooo sorry to hear about ur pain... have faith in the hope that things will get better...if u need sum1 to talk to.... u know where to find me

possibilities_of_life says...
written by possibilities_of_life , September 14, 2008

Im sorry for the way you feel... but i think you should have taken just a lil more time to make your decision... and i think that you should have told the father to...

I promise myself says...
written by I promise myself , September 18, 2008

Hi, I am not going to say I am sorry because I don´t know how you feel or what you are going thru, and I am not here to criticize you in anyway. They say time is a healer but time won´t heal you if you can´t forgive yourself... My best friend is 4 months pregnant, she still hasn´t told her family she is scared to death, she is only 19, and well the father is well lets just say he has nothing in this life, she wanted to have an abortion but I talked her out of it... I just feel parents should be there for their daughters and really at the end of the day that fetus didnt ask to be here its a gift... I hope you can forgive yourself and find peace within, if you need to talk you know where to find me, I am from south africa too. Keep well

I am so sorry
written by yvette Labuschagne , September 24, 2008

I had an implant in Dec 2007 and lost my babies on the 27 Dec 2007 I felt I lost a member of my family a member that I did not even know. I was only pregnant for 2 weeks. Since then I have had two implants but still not pregnant I have to go for a blood test but I am jut to scared to go for what will I do if its negative again. I wish they will give girls like you more information rather give your baby up for adoption and give somebody else a change to have a baby even if its not their own. In SA their is no white babies for adoption, so if I am not pregnant the changes of me having a baby (even if its not my) is like 0%. So please you have been threw it, inform your friends about the pain you are going threw, and please you must speak to somebody about how you feel, because I know how you feel because my mum dont know what I have been threw. I will be thinking of you and hope time will heal you
Be strong ( I know its not easy)
Yvette (south Africa)

stellyou7 says...
written by stellyou7 , September 27, 2008

hey i know the feeling you are having. see mine was not by choose,mine is called a {dnc}im 26years old and im on my 4 child. i had my first at 16yrs old. i was scared but i had my family to back me up. when you i look a my sons face i thank God everyday i gave him and me a chances.i still feel the hurt and the pain of them taking a apart of me,which i can never get back or replace.no it will never go away,but will get better.
God Bless
sarah
dickson,tennessee

mbalicious says...
written by mbalicious , October 01, 2008

girl i know the feeling i have been there also, i think about it all the time and i can't even explain how empty i feel inside. im also in South Africa, if you need to talk im here.

BeefJerkyAngel says...
written by BeefJerkyAngel , October 02, 2008

Lyndall,

I know exactlly what you are going through. My abortion was on August 14, 2008--I was 8 weeks. Wanted the baby but becuase of taking two Plan B when I did not know I was pregnant for 4 weeks, the medicine made my body reject the baby. So my love(bf) and I decided to have the abortion even though we very much wanted our daughter--I knew it was a girl because God came and told me in my dream. I saw her too...she has his eyes.

It was hard on both of us...to make the story short, a week after the procedure we got into a little fight, and then he decided to break up with me..giving me so many reasons. For every time he gave me a reason, it was like a knife stabing my heart. His first reason was, we just couldn't be together. Second one was we have different family values. Third was, he's afraid of divorce. Fourth was, I was just not the woman he is looking for and he and I need to move on with our lives. The last reason he gave was he only love me as a friend. None of his reasons made sense because I have evidence to prove other wise.

To make the story short, basically now not only do I mourn for my daughter, but also the man I love deeply walk out on me.

So not only do I understand your pain, I know how it feels. I can truly say that only when you allow yourself to embrace truth that you have lost your daughter/son, then that is when you can really start the healing process.

I prayed so much in asking for God to guide me through this. He has shown me grace...he told me to have a mass dedicated for my daughter, have a memorial stone for her, and name her. Once I did that, I felt so much better.

The healing process is a long process...we can only take one step at a time. There is a book that may help you, "I'll Hold You in Heaven" by Jack W. Hayford.

I chose my screen name "Beef Jerky Angel" because that's all I wanted to eat when I was pregnant, and that was my Love's favorite thing to eat when he was young--he ate it everyday.

I will pray for you and all the other women who has gone through or planing to go through an abortion. May God heal your wounds and help you find peace in your heart.

If you ever need someone to talk to, please dont hesistate to write to me: lilbeefjerkyangel@yahoo.com">lilbeefjerkyangel@yahoo.com

Here is a Poem I would like to dedicate to all parents. just know everything happens for a reason. May you find some comfort in this.:

To All Parents:


"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while she lives and mourns when she is dead,

"It may be eight weeks or seven years, or twenty-two or three.
"But will you, till I call her back, take care of her for me?

"She'll bring her charms to gladden you, but should her stay be brief,
"You'll have her lovely memories, as solace for your grief,

"I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return,
"But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to teach and learn.

"I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,
"And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you.

"Now will you give her all your love, nor think the labor vain,
"Nor hate me when I come to call to take her back again?"

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter her with tenderness. We'll love her while we may,
And for happiness we've known forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for her much sooner than we'd planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."

BeefJerkyAngel says...
written by BeefJerkyAngel , October 02, 2008

Here is a resource that may help you:

http://www.lifecall.org/reisser.htm

Please pass it along to whoever you know may need help on healing.

windshadow says...
written by windshadow , October 10, 2008

ya know something a man hung on a cross 2 thousand years ago for your pain,,, and all you have to do is reach out to him... Jesus loves you so much and he can heal the deepest hurt that you have... all you have to do is call his name and ask for his help and he will

katrinalouise says...
written by katrinalouise , October 19, 2008

Maybe I'm unsympathetic but you made the choice to have a baby when you had sex, you shouldn't get to make it again when you get pregnant. Sorry.

Hope1223 says...
written by Hope1223 , October 22, 2008

Not trying to start an argument here.. But, katrinalouise.. comments like that are TRULY unhelpful. This woman didn't post about her abortion in order to be judged or ask other's opinions on how they felt about it. She was simply looking for some support and she most definitely deserves it. None of us can go back and change the past. When it's too late; it's TOO LATE. Show her some love.

hi lyndall
written by pinaygirl2o3 , October 27, 2008

Hi Lyndall,

It's weird because I went through almost the same thing as you did, exactly a year ago.. I found out I was pregnant last August 20th 2007, and it was so strange. I had decided to get a pregnancy test when I was with my cousin cuz I was a week late-- but my period isn't always on time so I thought it was just one of those times.. When I found out, I didn't cry-- I didn't know how to react. With my cousin, we joked around, and when I told my boyfriend, I was actually laughing about it. But the more I thought about what was going on with me, I had to face the facts; I was just about to start my 2nd year of college in a week, and I couldn't have a baby. My mother didn't even know I had sex, ever.
I cried for days before the procedure, and cried for months after it. I too was 5 weeks and a day pregnant. I did horribly my first semester back at school, because all I could ever think about was what I did. When I was younger I promised to myself and to God that I wouldn't do that, but when it comes down to it you have to think about how your life will be effected.
A year later and I still think about that pregnancy everyday. Although I don't cry like I used to, I think about where I would be today if I had kept it-- I would have had the baby around April, and it would be 6 months old at this time. Yet this past year I've gone through so much in school, and I've had work experiences that I wouldn't have ever had, if I'd kept the baby. I'm working on my future now, and in time I'll be able to have a baby-- at the right time.

I just wanted to tell you, do not make any regrets. Sure it's okay to think about it, but don't hate yourself for what you did. Try to make sense of it all, and find the strength to carry on with your life. One day we'll be able to meet our children, and know that they don't hate us for what we've done.

I wish you well, and good luck with everything :)

So sorry!
written by Adrienne H , October 31, 2008

Your story made me cry... I am so sorry for your loss. Like some of the other comments say, time will heal.

hiallmyfriends says...
written by hiallmyfriends , November 01, 2008

Hello, my dearest friend,

I have had the pleasure of reading your letter and the comments that have followed, Thank you for your bravery in sharing your heart and pain. Let me introduce myself I am a 35 year old mom of 4. 2 here on earth and 2 in heaven because of abortion. I am now a post abortion counselor. I made this choice to become a counselor because when I finally found out about POST ABORTION SYNDROME and I went through a healing study I became a whole person. I was allowed to grieve my babies that weren't here on earth and I was allowed to feel, anger, grief, upset, and all the rest of the feelings we go through. You have every right to feel those ways and IT IS OK. There are some studies that will give you some tools to beable to handle your emotions and help you move past them. I am not telling you to forget that sweet little life because as for me and for everyone that has had an abortion(1 in 3 women in USA) that life was apart of us.

You are a beautiful wonderful human being and it is a must that you feel that again. here is my website www.jude23presentations.com contact me anytime. with not being in the states I don't know if you have pregnancy centers available to you. If you do these centers are non judgemental and should offer a post abortion study to help you through your pain, they are usally taught by women who have had an abortion and understand your pain and anger. If you don't a great study that can help you is called Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochran. Also you can go online and go to www.healinghearts.org. This website was a great introduction before I did the Forgiven and Set Free study. You work with a counselor online it has great support.

Take Care my dearest friend and email anytime. Caroline

Phumi says...
written by Phumi , November 02, 2008

Hey Girl,

It must be hard for you but trust me when I say - "this too, shall pass"...these are the words I chose to live by when I also aborted my baby, unfortunately, the decision was forced into me by my mom.

It's been 4 years since the fateful day; 1 October 2004; I was over 3 months pregnant. I was in my 2nd year of study. Firstly, I found out when I was 8 weeks & decided to keep it but not tell my parents yet, for fear that they wouldn't approve or want me to keep it. Only my boyfriend & loyal sister & friends knew - they were ALL supportive; but scared for me. As the saying goes; 'mother's know their children better than they know themselves', my mother became suspicious that I was pregnant & approached me. I told her the truth & without even a second thought, she said I must abort - and not sqeek a word of this to my dad. I was 14 weeks along. She quickly got advice from our family doctor who assured her that the
procedure can be before 4 months, although it's dangerous. She took the advice & booked me into a hospital. The rest is history...

My life turned into an absolute turmoil thereafter, I dropped out of technikon (college)as I suffered with drepression & alcoholism. I couldn't face life, I felt guilty all the time - I guess cause my mom didn't show any sings of that.

In late 2005, I decided to pull myself together; got a job &
started counselling. I've since been promoted, earning a good salary, have a new man & am 18 weeks pregnant!

I used to pray to God everytime I saw a baby and ask for forgiveness & mercy - He has forgive me & I know my baby has too - and the same is for you too. So, don't despair girl, everything happens for a reason & THIS TOO, SHALL PASS.

Keep your faith high & put God first. He's a loving God & he knows what's in your heart - He's not mad at you. May the mercy of The Almighty wash away your sorrow. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Stay Blessed.

Phumi

Lyndz says...
written by Lyndz , November 06, 2008

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my story. Sorry for the late reply. i've just been so busy catching up with life. Your support has meant the world to me, since i havn't been getting it at home. my life has been happening so quickly, and right i know for sure that God had a purpose and a reason why i had to go through with my abortion. Since this time, i have met the love of my life and have gotten engaged. he knows about my abortion and has been so supportive. On Saturday i will be goung to the Doctor to find out something! i know you may all think that its rather hasty, but i assure you all, that i am raedy for what awaits me!

again, thank you so much!!!
Lyndall

Nini says...
written by Nini , January 06, 2009

Hey Lyndall

I'm Nicole also from South Africa, I think I may be pregnant but i am terrified of going to find out, I can't say that I know what you going through and how you feel. I recently turned 21, my boyfriend and I are certain that I'm pregnant but we haven't been to a doctor as yet, a child is truly a blessing and not so long ago my mom had a miscarriage, I can understand the pain of longing for a lost child as my mother went through it and I saw the emotional distress it caused. All I can say to you is this:

Keep your faith in God and put Him first, God would never present you with an obstacle you can't overcome and always remember that, When you are down to nothing, God is up to something.

Everything of the best
if you ever need to talk, we are all here and we will provide the support you need

Much Lovies
Nini

truth says...
written by truth , March 15, 2009

Hi I am also south african, just had an abortion 2 days ago, 12th march 2009. dont think i am ever going to forgive myself I was 18 weeeks along, couldnt tell my parents my dad is intolerant enough and i couldnt risk being homeless with a new baby. Still I feel very selfish. MY so called boyfriend wanted it so I thought I shoud do it because it wouldnt hae a chance with one parent who idnt want it and one who couldnt take care of it.

rbnlyn says...
written by rbnlyn , March 27, 2009

hey lyndall,

I'm Robyn, also from SA, I had my abortion 9 months ago, the day before my 20th birthday. I was 9 weeks along.

In the past months I thought i was going crazy, the empty feeling, the way nothing feels right and no-one really understands what you going through...

From the day I told the father of my baby I pregnant to the day of my abortion, literally a week had past. He rushed me into it. I remember going home that day and lying to my mom about being sent home early from work cos i wasn't feeling well. I remember thinking that it was all over now. I pretended to be fine for weeks until i eventually told him that i regretted having gone through with it... His response was that I put it behind me and move on. That it wasn't really as bad as i making it out to be.
He didn't understand.

He's a married man, muslim and 30 years old. I'm christian and 10 years his junior. He has two children. He made me give up our baby cos he didn't want his wife to find out. I didn't know he was married until it was too late.

Sometimes I feel stupid, mostly I hate that I put everyone else before that baby. I never thought I could mourn like this for someone I never even met...

robyn

minoomir says...
written by minoomir , May 11, 2009

my life changed forever on the 24 April 09...i made the biggest misake of my life & have no strength or will to live.my baby is gone & grief lives in me.im sorry to have to write this its something i refused right away but people who i thought i could trust let me down.i have let myself & baby down first & foremost.now i am the one searching for answers & no one can answer them.if i had found this website only three weeks ago my life would be different!i was all alone.scared with my first secret pregnancy.i told no one except my man.then things went wrong we started fighting.he sent my mom a text telling her & thats when my nightmare began...i thought i would never do it but life can knock you down...and love! pls all the girls out there don't let ur family talk you out of it.i was weak and even worse now with a haunting emptiness.god willing i will have another but i know he sent a child as a new beginning i guess ill have to let go and see it all for the now.pls tell ur fathers my older sis said my dad would disown me because of race & religion.but thats no excuse.someone once told me the closer one gets to god the closer the bad things cover a person.its a battle of good & evil everywhere.this i now have learnt the wrong way...i mourn for my child.i love all of u for writing and telling stories of greatness...

juna says...
written by juna , May 11, 2009

ohh.. that was a tough decision for you to make lyndall. but now your baby is gone as they said learn from your mistakes. i hope the next baby you have will be from a responsible father.

klasiquev says...
written by klasiquev , August 27, 2009

Hi, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I too have family members who have had abortions and feel exactly the same way you are feeling. If there is one good thing that can come from this experience...it is that you now recognise the voice within you. Ok, you know u made a mistake but nothing can change that now...just remember, it was through the pressure of your parent and others that led you to that clinic...in your heart you didn't want to do it. I'm pretty sure given another opportunity u will listen to your heart. Advise from others is good...but just remember that in the end listen to that feeling you have inside...let that be your guide and try to block out all the voices around you...because you're the one who has to live your decisions. I can tell you're a beautiful person. Try not to be to hard on yourself...we all make mistakes...but it becomes a bigger mistake if we don't learn from it.

Much love to u

Kate

meadashley says...
written by meadashley , October 22, 2009

i have been in your shoes but i was six weeks and 2 days. the father of the baby was my significant other, we had even been talking about getting married. i found out i was pregnant in sept. of 2006. the father started punching me to get rid of the baby. i wanted to keep the baby but had no place to go for security. so i made the same decison. i felt the same way you did at the time but things got a little easier as time went on. i still think about the day my twins would have been born and it still brings me low every once in a while but god has pulled me through this and he will you to if you let him.

Differences_InmyLife says...
written by Differences_InmyLife , October 24, 2009

I am terribly sorry to hear about that! I know exactly how you feel! if you ever want to talk you should read my blog and get back to me i think we can relate!
thanks

Laura!

Marlene8f says...
written by Marlene8f , November 05, 2009

that sucks i no how u feel cuz that happened to me i didnt have a chocie i was only 14 when i had an abortion n i couldnt live with my self i would cry every night n its bn 2yrs an a half n i still feel the same way .some ppl just dont understand what we go threw n think we could just get over it but it'll always b there for the rest of r life's

jolly says...
written by jolly , November 12, 2009

ur story is so sad, am also going thru the same thing.I did it 9 yrs ago, but it still hurts as if it was done yesterday. i hate myself for doing that to my baby

Show/Hide comment form