I Learn Everything the Hard Way
Written by Roselynn
Highlights
Ok. So I guess this is my first time ever publicly admitting to anyone other than just a handful of close, personal friends that in February of 2008, at the age of 29 years old, without hesitation I chose to have an abortion.
I say without hesitation, but I have to explain that that had been my immediate decision from the moment I discovered that I was indeed pregnant- pregnant by a man whom I had only met a month prior. This man had come into my life in the most unexpected and surreal fashion, and as crazy as I felt, and to this day still do feel for this guy, I knew in my heart that the "timing" of this pregnancy would never work out for anyone's best interests…except maybe my own- a lesson learned the hard way that I shall now live with for the rest of my life. I had the abortion performed at only 4 weeks, a major reassurance to my conscience that it would be least devastating knowing that I would merely be removing what had been described to me as just a "blood clot" at this stage of pregnancy.
One dear friend of mine, an honest and sincere woman wise beyond her 28 years, confided in me after I shared my decision with her the fact that before any woman has an abortion she MUST realize that for every day thereafter she WILL question and ponder EVERY "what if" that popped into mind concerning the possibility of the path she did not choose to take. I heard her words. I thought about my life if I were to have the baby, and ultimately, my decision never waivered. Of course, the support of my new boyfriend- whom I must reveal at this time had two children at the age of 27- helped strengthen my faith in the idea that termination of this pregnancy was in everyone's best interests. Yeah, I hadn't the faintest clue as to what I was about to experience.
The day of the abortion was the most emotional day of my life to date. We were running a bit late, never out of the ordinary for either one of us, and low and behold just as we approached the red light where we were to turn left into the business complex of the doctor's office, there stood a small yet dominating group of women holding giant posters of a digitally enlarged fetus at 4, 5, and 6 weeks old. My lover asked what I wanted him to do, should we just turn in there as planned? NO!! I told him as I became VERY emotional for the first time that morning to bust a U-turn and we'd enter the complex a little ways down. I felt the shame and guilt start to wash over me like a heavy downpour. By the time I had walked into the office, I was sobbing uncontrollably. The fact that he was still holding himself together, showing no signs of doubt as of yet, only made me feel so rejected and very unsure about my entire destiny.
After leaving him in the waiting room amongst all other fathers-to-be that were about to be "let off the hook" also, I was escorted to a room where I filled out about a dozen forms signing each one in a blur, then shocked as a nurse went ahead and handed me a handful of pills. One would be for nausea, another for anxiety, a couple for pain, and so on. There looked to be about 20-25 women there all together, slowly we were lined up along a wall that lead to the room of doom. As I sat and tried unsuccessfully to think of anything else, one by one I witnessed the pills take effect on almost every female, and I anticipated my drugs helping me to enter such a haze just as they were. I had no such luck. Girls had to be escorted down the hallway with a nurse on either side, helping each patient scuffle to the surgical area while I, surprisingly to the several nurses who watched me at this point, insisted that I could and would be able to manage walking without assistance.
A nurse I had come to be more open with had inquired about my tolerance to prescription medication, in which I had told her that my mind had always seemed stronger than my body and that I surely did not feel the effects as the women already snoozing in their chairs pre-procedure. This nurse told me she had a high tolerance herself, and was able to slip me two more pills that I quickly swallowed with the hopes that they'd hit me before the doctor did. As my turn approached, my sobbs had returned and I questioned what I was about to experience with every ounce of my soul. I wanted to ask the man whom created life with me for his final answer, and was told that was not able to happen this late in the process of it all. Apparently, it was told to me later, that upon getting on the operating table is when I totally lost all control of my tears and fears. I kept saying no, wait, but the anesthesiologist gave me the dose of twilight medicine that I'm positive had been the norm for each female before me.
A few minutes later, I was NOT in a twilight state whatsoever. The doctor, frustrated I'm sure at this set back in his busy workday, told me that if I continued to cry as I was, he would not be able to perform the procedure. I tried to stop, I think (?), but he resorted to looking at the anesthesiologist and asking her if I'd handle another dose in which she agreed I could and that was that. I awoke long enough to where I remember being escorted to the back door that lead outside where I was met by my handsome new lover who took over the role of my caretaker and helped me into his truck. I fell immediately back to sleep.
We rented a hotel room for the rest of that day and night, not wanting either one of our family members whom we still shared a roof with to know what we had just done. I layed down only to pass out again, he ran a few errands returning shortly after with food and a few other comforts from his house that helped us mindlessly occupy the next 24 hours. He was sweet and attentive. I was already harboring resentment that two women before me, probably without his questioning them, had conceived his child and probably never had the option in their mind to terminate such a miracle. Why did I have to be the one who made the hardest choice of all? To answer my own question, I conveniently told myself that I had gotten pregnant SO much sooner than the other two, and that neither of our families would have been able to handle such news from the both of us, therefore convincing myself yet again that I had made the correct decision for everyone.
Now, just to inform any female who may find herself in a similar situation, if you believe that you can have an abortion administered, and then proceed into life never thinking about your past ever again…you will be sorely disappointed and sadly mistaken. I still, almost one year later, think about what might have been on a daily basis. It is hard to look myself in the mirror and not still have regret and shame for what I have and have not done in my life, due to simple outcomes stemming from MY own actions.
It is a choice that I know will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life,leaving me no other choice but to move on and push those memories out of my brain.
So, after all this depressing, devastating, negative energy rambling, I MUST describe where I currently find myself to date. I am still in a relationship with the same gentleman as I was with before.
I had been a faithful consumer of birth control medication ever since the dreadful day in mention, and yet this past October I discovered that once again I was expecting a baby. (YES!! ATTN SPERM BANK: YOU WANT TO MEET MY BOYFRIEND!! HE MUST CONTAIN SOME POWERFUL SWIMMERS IN WHICH THE MOST INFERTILE FEMALE COULD PROB FERTILIZE HER EGG). This time I cannot admit in any way that I believe(d) I'm ready to be a mother, BUT I could conclude that I was NOT ready to ever live with the fact of having to make the same dreadful decision as I had made before.
It almost feels at times like this was meant to challenge me, to make me realize that there are unexpected events that occur in the most unconventional ways thus forcing us to change and adapt and to live a life that does not continue to allow ourselves to remain selfish and tunnel visioned to the idea that our lives unfold only how we allow them to be. God throws us curve balls, it's up to us as mere humans to decide whether or not we're gonna take a swing. I'm 20 weeks along almost, and scared as I am, I'm also excited to experience what I abruptly chose not to experience before. I hope and pray everyday that I will be a good mother, but at least I know one thing for certain...I'd be a bad woman to ever think that I could take the easy way out of major responsibilties that were created from the same actions that I repeatedly decided to continue doing, even after a horrible experience such as an abortion. If you don't wish to have children, do not even consider having sexual relations with a man.
Otherwise, please prepare yourself for the unexpected. What goes around, comes around and you've just gotta live and learn for yourself.
I learn EVERYTHING the hard way. Thanks for reading this.
Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
written by aries , January 24, 2009
written by Ashleyyy09 , January 25, 2009
written by tatmar , January 25, 2009
Hi Roselynn,
I think this is a really great story.
I'm sorry for the things you experience(d) due to the fact you had an abortion.
I think it's amazing that you are pregnant again with the fact of being on birth control,
and I believe that it's another chance given to you by God to make the decision
to keep the baby, which you did.
Congratulations on being pregnant, you have an amazing journey ahead of you.
Tatjana.
written by emeraldforest , January 25, 2009
I started crying when you were discribing your abortion. That must of been so horrible to endure, i cannot even imagine. I hope that you and your soon-to-be-newborn have a wonderful and happy life.
-Best of luck,
Enya
written by AJTANGU1 , January 26, 2009
Your story is crazy, you are one heck of a strong chick to have when through so much!!I had a miscarriage and i felt like shit.I can only imagine. Im only 17 3months away from 18
written by Shannon5 , January 27, 2009
written by stephenthomas , January 27, 2009
written by katd , January 31, 2009
Congrats on the new baby, they grow up very fast enjoy every moment.
written by eli253 , February 01, 2009
written by Ramiah , February 01, 2009
written by pharmon , February 02, 2009
written by xrachykx , February 02, 2009
written by Learning , February 04, 2009
I say this from experience. I am totally as imperfect as a person can get. And I can tell you...STOP making soul ties to people who could just fall out of your lives tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...sex is for embracing love, intimacy, laughter and having fun with someone who cares about you - body SPIRIT AND MIND...
I have been divorced, and am remarried, and I have had several partners through my life and regret every single one except my husband. Every single one.
Because they all now own a part of me I can never get back. I am 36 years old and I can say this from experience.
Before my husband and I got married we abstained when we were challenged by the church. We were living together. And not being able to move out, because we were getting married shortly, we decided to abstain. Imagine that: sex for a huge portion of our lives and we abstained. It was terribly difficult, but I have never had such a moment of love, and pleasure. Not even on my first.
I will never forget it, and it proves what I was taught but didn't listen to growing up: true love waits.
And by the way, my husband and I just had a child that was not planned. And I couldn't have a more beautiful child. God has purpose for this child. We love each other, our kids love each other, and this baby will have purpose...NOTHING could steal that away. What is BEST for us (humans), is to have faith and use common sense. If you are grown up enough to have sex, you're grown up enough to fax the consequences and/or the blessings, depending on your situation.
BUYER BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
written by Sr Lisa , February 04, 2009
written by Smore , February 04, 2009
Please, I beg all of you who are considering abortion -- please, please, have the courage to bring that life you carry into the world and please reach deep inside of you and find enough love for this child to give him/her a home with a mom and a dad. One year ago my husband and I adopted a beautiful newborn girl from a young 22 year old who made the most selfless choice any person can make. After 8 years of infertility, my husband and I were given the greatest gift we could ever be given. We always dreamed of having a large family - we'd adopt everyone of your babies if we could. We want so much to have more children and still pray to conceive. I look at my daughter all of the time and thank the Lord that He gave her birth mother the grace and the courage to allow her to bring this child into our world. When we first talked with our daughter's birth mother we realized, because of her experience, that there seems to be more of a stigma attached to a woman who would give up her child to adoption than there is to those who chose to end the life. Isn't that crazy - people would rather see you either keep the child or kill the child but how could you ever give the child away?
Please consider - 1 in 6 people are infertile - they are doing everything they can to have children - spending thousands of dollars on IVF because there are so few babies in this country to adopt. My husband and I, because of our beliefs, would not go that route but we would love if the Lord would just bring us another child. If you consider giving life, please consider talking to a priest or minister and asking them if they know of anyone who wants to adopt - try to skip the adoption agencies. The cost to adoptive parents is so prohibitive if they have to go through an agency. We were blessed to get our daughter through word of mouth, so the cost while, still a lot, was minimal to what we would have spent if we'd gone through an agency.
I will pray for all of you who are considering an abortion - that Our Lord and our Blessed Mother will help you to realize of the miracle that grows within you and that you will have the courage to bring that miracle in to this world. May God bless all of you.
written by kara_85 , February 07, 2009
Good luck with birth of your baby, you will be an amazing mother.
written by Miraculous_Life , February 13, 2009
Congratulations on your pregnancy, and BEST WISHES on motherhood!
Please visit our Pro-Life Blog:
www.teens4lifegroup.blogspot.com
written by RaeRae , February 18, 2009
written by aquagirl , August 08, 2009
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It helped solidify my decision to keep this precious baby that's growing in my womb. I am 28yo in a relationship that my family and some of my friends disapprove of, and which I will admit is 'not perfect', however thruout the entire year that my boyfriend and I have been together, one constant is that we've had the desire to 'one day' have a baby together. We took what we felt were reasonable precautions not to have something happen too soon, and the one time when I thought something happened I went and got the 'morning after pill.' They say it's good within 72hrs, well I took it within 48 and it didn't work!
And now I'm probably 6-7 weeks pregnant and my brother, who's always been one of the closest people in my life is adamant that I should get an abortion, that this is an 'illegitimate' child! What a nasty thing to say! My father will also not even talk to me; thankfully my mother, althou she still feels it was 'not the best time' and most likely 'not the right person' at least cares to ask me how I'm doing etc. It hurts to have so much judgement and opposition from the people that are closest in my life, but my decision is made and I will keep this baby. And I am very grateful to THIS SITE for allowing me to see
1. that women younger and in tougher situations than mine have chosen to take responsibility for their children
2. the horrible sense of loss that an abortion entails that as a woman I would have to live with for the rest of my life.
I should mention that I always considered myself to be a 'liberated' woman, and pro-choice, and I still feel a woman should _have_ that choice; it's just that in my case, I've made the decision that abortion is not a choice I want to live with.
My family and other people have warned me that, because the relationship I'm in is unstable/tumultuous etc, I am signing up to sooner or later become a single mother. They are telling me I am being selfish because I will likely be depriving this child of a father, and this will be a great handicap to the child's development.
First of all I should mention that even though my relationship with my boyfriend has been tumultuous, he is fully in favour of us having this child (after all, we had been fantasizing about it all along), and he has assured me that he will assume responsibility for this child. Both of us are now putting forth a greater effort to respect each other and make our relationship work, but should things _not_ work out... I am still not worried.
I am a believer in the fact that children choose their parents; this child that's inside of me knows full well what kind of relationship s/he is being born into. This soul has its own reasons for wanting to be incarnated in _this_ situation. God/The Universe doesn't make mistakes. Every being that is born has its purpose in expanding consciousness. And I am just grateful that this being chose me to be its channel into life on Earth. And I know that regardless of what happens with my relationship, I as a mother will do my best to give this child the best life possible.
Thank you to all the lovely people who have shared their stories. My heart goes out to you all. (( ))
Aquagirl
written by Yaneli , February 03, 2010
written by luvmytally , February 04, 2010
I think it's admirable that you are sharing your story, it's very powerful! I mean no offense by saying this, but as I read your story I couldn't help but think of those Jews who were lined up and being taken into concentration camps, that's truly how I felt.
It's SOO important that women are informed of what they are doing thoroughly before doing it. It's not FAIR that these "Doctor's" and "Nurses" would lie to you and tell you it was just a "blood cot", that makes me SICK to my stomach. Your story was inspiring and I can only HOPE that you can heal and move on. I hope that by speaking out about these experiences that people will come to realize the conspiracy that abortion is.
